FiM Fiction Reviews - Outbreak: Unknown

It’s easy to say that I probably shouldn't be writing reviews at the moment. The first wave of finals are inbound and it’s about time to hide in the bunkers. Nevertheless, I am still here. Sorry if I snap at a few at you. Secretary! Give a story to review this week! Wait.... I don't have a secretary. Damn shame. Well then I'll chose... like I've always done for the last two months. How about a darker one? Ah yes! ChaosBrony93’s Outbreak: Unknown was right on mark with trying to set its darker tone but things quickly go south with the exposition and dialogue. Both end up disappointing and overall rather dull. I hate to say it but Outbreak: Unknown is tied down by several problems that overwhelm the good in it.

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Outbreak: Unknown by ChaosBrony93

Incomplete (last updated April 14 2013)

This is a recount of the events that transpired on the eve of Nightmare Night, 30 years ago today. These hoof-written accounts were ignored as writings of mad-ponies and diseased minds... But they were wrong. Far beneath the lush beauty of Equestria lies a sinister secret, the dark past long forgotten by unicorn and pegasi alike. I must warn you dear reader, what you read within these very pages is the absolute truth. Seek it and perish without a scream... Without a whisper... Read it here.

Tags: Dark

Rating: Teen, Gore

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I don't like to bring up this issue too often considering we are, after all, amateur writers. While it shouldn't lower the standards, it’s impossible to expect an unpaid individual who is simply doing this on his/her free time to have perfect grammar and spelling every time. However I caught several mistakes throughout Outbreak: Unknown. In this case, I do recommend finding an editor for it will greatly improve the piece.

Outbreak: Unknown, as well as the horror genre, focus greatly on design. They strive to perfect imagery but also to find the ideal exposition. So after making me dry heave, I couldn't help but realize that that, even with my overly sensitive stomach, the imagery is very well done; especially when trying to highlight the darker portions of the story. If you won’t listen to me then listen to the former contents of my stomach.

Unfortunately, that’s probably the only good thing from this story. Like I said in the intro, things quickly go south from there. Outbreak: Unknown knew where it was going. It knew the dark, desperate situation it was shooting for but the exposition is lacking. Even with its head start, the exposition lags behind and often repeats itself. Not to mention it all is really dull and uninspiring. You see, I find that some authors don't get the mood just right. Sometimes they are too subtle, but in this case, the mood is shoved down the reader’s throat like some gigantic pill. Back off a bit, you know? Try not to repeat yourself too often and try to tell the story through the character’s eyes.

This brings me to my next point. Twilight and her friends break character very often. I would go in depth but these reviews are spoiler-free. Just keep in mind: “What would they do in the show?” While we're at it, the dialogue doesn't only break their characters even further, but is also choppy and unrealistic. Some of the lines are cringe-worthy and conversations change faster than Hollywood celebrities’ love lives. I often say, if you can't carry out the conversions in real life, then they shouldn't be in your story.

So I hired a secretary while writing this review. I believe his name is Watson but I wouldn't know because he quit on the first day. Something about underpayment and I give him too much work, but that besides the point! Outbreak: Unknown comes in swinging with great imagery but is crucified by its lacking exposition and bad characterization. However, I can say that some of you that enjoy the things that my stomach obviously doesn't could enjoy this story. Before signing out, I must say that the next two weeks will be unbelievably busy for me and there might not be a review this week. Please don't lynch me. This has been Admujica.  I'll see you guys next week and stay safe EQLA blackout survivors!

Outbreak: Unknown gets a score of: 5 out of 10

Strong imagery that appeals to the horror genre but not without several exposition and dialogue problems.

Read it here.

FiM Fiction Review - The Detective and the Magician

It’s a bit strange. Things have been quiet in this fine land I live in. Of course, there is no paranoia to be found in the lack of collapsing Texaco gasoline stations, but that leaves this review void of cruel metaphorical humor. Well, we could always joke about the poor lady who nearly lost her thumb to her cat. However, there could be some discomfort in the fact that the ‘poor lady’ is my mother. So, for the sake of not being thrown into a mental institution, we will get on with the review. Bad Horse’s The Detective and the Magician is nothing short of amazing. It’s a crossover than will not disappoint with good dialogue, a deep mystery, and outstanding characters. It wouldn't take Holmes too long to figure out why The Detective and the Magician is definitely one of my personal favorites.

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The Detective and the Magician by Bad Horse

Complete (Completed on July 29, 2012)

To Holmes, she is always the mare.  In his eyes she eclipses the whole of her sex, and fills him with admiration and loathing.  Whether she in fact stole the Starry Night was ultimately beside the point.  What mattered to Holmes was that he had been matched at his own game, by a mare; that it had not been altogether unpleasant; and that she had caused him, however briefly, to turn his keen and unflinching gaze upon himself. Read it here.

Tags: Romantic, Sad, Crossover, Adventure

Rating: Everyone

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As a reader, the last thing I want to see in crossover, especially in those of the usually darker topic, is canon characters. Without pointing fingers, I find that some people include canon characters in a crossover is too often trying to cater towards the love of such character. However, The Detective and the Magician doesn't suffer from such this. In fact, it’s biggest strength is the use of Trixie as Irene Adler. Their characters combine beautifully and Trixie never feels out of character; with the exception of one instance that Trixie breaks Adler’s character. The characters of Fetlock Holmes and John Watson do well on their own as well. Their characters are captured well and their dialogue is clever and engaging.

The story is sweet and simple. Bad Horse keep things short but, even at 14,000 words, keeps the plot interesting and easy to follow. Concepts regarding magic theory are explained well and the romance, or whatever romance is in Holmes’ case, is just as entertaining. The whole concept of love is comedic to Holmes and it is captured excellently in the writing.  Just between you and me, Trixie was sexy enough to drive even my non-clopper mind to wishing for a hot night. So much for keeping these reviews PG.

If there is one thing thing that sells this story it’s the dialogue. As mentioned, it is excellently crafted; being clever yet easy to follow. Bad Horse keeps the whole Holmes feel of it, forcing me to use the dictionary on more than one occasion. It’s one of the first stories to have the dialogue feels organic and flow nicely. Two words: absolutely phenomenal.

Unfortunately, I do have one minor complaint. The writing style isn’t exactly top notch. Bad Horse is a very visual writer and it shows. Photographs and drawings are used throughout the story and I mean actual photos and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, the use of illustrations isn’t a bad thing but like I said, it shows in the writing style. The Detective and the Magician is written with long descriptors and while it’s not a bad thing, it could use some polish.

I checked again. Still all quiet. It’s starting to creep me out, living in the most boring corner of the United States. The Detective and the Magician is a story that will satisfy all your Pony Holmes needs. The incredible cast, entertaining dialogue, and engaging mystery makeup for the writing style by a country mile, making it well deserving of its score of nine out of ten. This has been Admujica. Have a great week and don’t forget about Mother’s Day on Sunday.

The Detective and the Magician gets a score of: 9 out of 10

Fantastic character backed by great dialogue make this a crossover that won’t fail to engage its readers

Read it here.

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Side Note: An Open Letter of Thanks

I wanted to take the time to thank not only Bad Horse, who tossed up this on his blog, but all of the people who read and follow my reviews. The Second of May marked two months since I published my first review. It has already been a wonderful journey and I cannot wait to see what the future brings. My friends, you are the reason I carry on. Thank you for the patience, kindness, generosity, honesty, and loyalty you’ve all shown. I hope you continue to join me on this journey.

Sincerely,

Adrian Mujica-Martinez

FiM Fiction Review - The Rising Stars

The thunderstorm that came by my neighborhood wasn't too friendly, to say the least. Not to mention my porch was flooded, the local gasoline station came down with a case of oh-god-the-building-is-collapsing. Now, I never liked Texaco anyways but I do like using metaphors. I’m not saying it’s like the Texaco gasoline station, but ShootingStar159’s The Rising Stars comes pretty close to collapsing due to excess weight. The Rising Stars pulls through in the end but nearly dies as it goes through too much world building in the early chapters. The pace slows frighteningly in the beginning and suffers from bad exposition. Get passed it’s problems and The Rising Stars does very well with good dialogue, interesting characters and intriguing world building. Poor Texaco, the only thing they get is to be used as a metaphor.

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The Rising Stars by ShootingStar159

Incomplete (Last Updated April 16, 2013)

After almost being executed for his magical talents, a young Starswirl wanders into a mysterious forest. His life is barely saved by a creature out of legends, an alicorn named Luna, who not only saves his life, but takes the young colt under the care of herself and her older sister.

But Luna isn't the only one who's taken an interest in the young unicorn... Read it here.

Tags: Sad, Dark, Adventure

Rating: Teen, Gore

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Starswirl was a character that always intrigued me and I was looking forward to some backstory. However, I was quick to put away my bias as my reviewer senses started tingling. The first chapter, if I recall correctly, opens with Luna retelling the events of the past few years. Considering The Rising Stars is set as far back as before Hearth's Warming Eve, you can say ShootingStar has plenty of wiggle room to exercise his imagination on the world of our equine friends. The end result is fantastic. ShootingStar puts together an intriguing and fascinating world that had me hooked from the start.

Unfortunately, this is where one of The Rising Stars main problems occur. I have read the review fromThe Equestrian Critics Society which I recommend reading but disagree with in some cases. The point is, this is where I highly disagree with them. The exposition is weak and problematic at best. The new universe is a big pill to swallow with exploration of the origin of the Elements of Harmony, Alicorns, and the creation of the world itself. All this information is given to the reader quickly and very blandly. There are more interesting mediums to recall past events.

I just realized that I started on the negative side of things. No worries, The Rising Stars has some good stuff up its sleeve. This however isn’t one of those “good things.” The largest issue this story faces is its strange case of being extremely slow. It take four chapters to establish any sort of conflict and in the meantime, the mystery is never brought up by any of the characters. It just feels like too much time is taken in doing, well that’s the problem, nothing.

Finally! On to more good stuff! For one, the dialogue is great and feels natural in most instances. It does have its hiccups where the conversations don’t flow all too well. Unfortunately, it does happen often enough to reduce points, but the dialogue does well overall. Some could complain that Celestia and Luna do not speak in the Royal Canterlot voice, but there is an explanation. Now, the author has said it himself and I am confident he would allow me to speak on his behalf. The Royal Canterlot voice doesn't exist yet. If you remember from Hearth’s Warming Eve, the three tribes were united when they agreed on sharing the land known as Equestria. We can assume Canterlot was founded after the events of Hearth's Warming Eve by the Unicorns. As a result, the idea of the Unicorn royalty later developing the “dialect” isn’t too far fetched. Hey! It makes sense to me!

Last but definitely not least is the writing style. Hats off to ShootingStar for this one. The Rising Starsdoes a good job at following the “Show, Don’t Tell” technique. This is where the writing style packs a punch. Scenes are clearly visualized without long descriptions of them. It’s hard to do and it’s incredible on the writer’s part.

It’s getting late now and as much as I like sitting at the keyboard with bloodshot eyes, yawning like it’s my duty to wake up the entire household, I think it’s time to wrap this review up. The Rising Stars has several problems including bad pacing and a lacking exposition. However, I highly recommend it because of it’s strength in writing style, dialogue, and world building. ShootingStar’s The Rising Stars will never fail to intrigue the reader as it is a display of the writer's imagination that knows no end. This has been Admujica. Have a great week everyone!

The Rising Stars gets a score of: 8.5 out of 10

Although it begins weakly, The Rising Stars has excellent dialogue and incredible world building.

Read it here.

The Equestrian Critics Society Site can be found here.

The Rising Stars Review by the Equestrian Critics Society can be found here.

FiM Fiction Review - Quizzical

As I watch my inbox turn into a jumbled mass of unread stories, I couldn't help but notice that most of them don't really fit into the My Little Pony universe. I guess that’s the nature of fan fiction right? However, I could very well say that JMac's Quizzical fits seems seamlessly into our enchanted land of magical talking horses with one exception. Damn you, Alicorn Twilight. Nevertheless, I can easily say that Quizzical might be one of my favorite stories of 2012 for it’s strengths in character development, story arc, and great dialogue. Even with its rough edges, Quizzical is definitely worth a read. Let's get our review on and see why.

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Quizzical by JMac

Complete (Finished Dec 8, 2012)

Quizzical Greystone has just come to Ponyville as an assistant in Friendship Research.  Such a socially inept filly might not be the best pony for the job.  But this just might be the job she  needs.  If you can't make friends in Ponyville can you make friends anywhere? Read it here.

Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy

Rating: Everyone

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Quizzical, the story’s main character and namesake, is probably the most dull and boring character I have ever met; but I loved her! JMac had me hooked from the get go as Quizzical’s character is expertly introduced and stays the strong throughout the story. Her dialogue strengthens her character even more by feeling like a clear extension of her personality. Quizzical's biggest strength is in character development pretty much all across the board. Unfortunately, this can't be said for the antagonists. The characters introduced in the latter part of the story felt rushed and forgettable. It’s a strange contrast for a story with such great ones. Nevertheless, Quizzical has excellent characters and sticks to having the Mane 6 stay in character pretty well.

As stated above, the dialogue is great and compliments the personalities of the entire cast. Although it does have its hiccups from time to time, the dialogue flows smoothly and feels highly organic. More than anyone, Quizzical’s lines are feel like an extension of her character. No small feat considering she is an original character. Not to mention there are one or two references thrown in. Did I lose an eyebrow? Did you really think you could hide those MythBusters references from me, JMac?

Pacing is done extremely well with plenty of time taken to development characters and establish relationships. Nor do the scenes overstay their welcome. Nothing in this story feels rushed or slow. Hats off to JMac for that one. The one thing that did bother me was the structure. Paragraphs and chapters end and begin very abruptly. As a result, Quizzical is choppy and it scene transitions are odd and badly placed. The overall writing style doesn't flow naturally. Although the story is easy to follow, it is a bit hard to read without getting a bit annoyed at the transitions.

This is already a long review. Don't worry, I'm almost done. Quizzical suffers from what I like to call “the sequel syndrome.” Don't get me wrong, sequels are good and I definitely plan to read Thweet Geniuth, the sequel to Quizzical. Yes, I need more Quiz and yes, I love that pony! Now I say “sequel” with plenty of caution because Thweet Geniuth doesn't seem to continue Quiz’s character arc. Nevertheless, Quizzical ends very abruptly. Quiz's arc is open ended and there isn't really any conclusion to the story. You know what? I could be wrong. Until I read Thweet Geniuth, which introduces a new conflict and looks to develop Twist’s character, I can’t say anything. All I know for now is that Quizzical ends badly, leaving open ends and not finishing Quiz's character arc. "Wait! You forgot something Admujica! There is another sequel! Quizzical And the Basements of Doom is currently in production!" A huge grin just crept across my face.

I told you I was almost done. Quizzical does have problems with it story. I can’t exactly say because I've kept these reviews spoiler free and they're going to stay that way! Maybe I publish a new series called Spoiler-licious-ness. That'll be fun. We’re getting off track here. Even though Quizzical has its rough edges, it’s strong characters and entertaining dialogue make an excellent story. I definitely recommend this to anyone looking for a medium length comedy. This has been Admujica. Have a good week everypony.

Quizzical gets a score of: 8.7 out of 10

Strong characters and excellent dialogue join to make an enjoyable story

Read it here.

Squeal: Thweet Geniuth can be found here.

Squeal: Quizzical Greystone And the Basements of Doom can be found here.

Spoiler-licious-ness: Episode 1: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

Hello and welcome to my new series! I know, me and my terrible names. Most people come here from my Quizzical review so welcome back. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you read it and Quizzical by JMac. As the title suggests, this series is not friendly to those of you who hate spoilers. In my review, I said Quizzical had an incredible cast with a perfect combination of Quizzical and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. You might also remember that I said Quizzical harbored weak characters as well. Let’s get our Spoiler-licious-ness on and answer one simple question: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

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Spoiler-licious-ness

Episode 1: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

Hosted by Admujica

Featuring Quizzical by JMac

Presented by

The Journals Network

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Let me start out by saying that Quizzical is possibly the most lovable original character that I have ever seen! I haven’t enjoyed an original character so much since Fallout: Equestria’s very own Little Pip. Not too mention she partially out-Twilighted Twilight. Poor Twi has met her match. The reason Quizzical is such a well founded character is because the story really takes its time to establish her through her relationships and so on. We have to remember this is exactly what Friendship is Magic forgot to do with Sombra. Sombra looks and sounds evil but in the end of the day, that’s all he is. Thank Celestia the premiere was more so focused on Twilight’s “test” than it was on him or else we have an episode focused on a character lacking depth.

How does this involve Quizzical? It’s actually pretty simple. In the seventh chapter, Quizzical does a one-eighty by throwing Quizzical into the caverns of the Diamond Dogs. For the sake of the people not up to date on their MLP, the Diamond Dogs are seen in Episode 19 of the First Season: A Dog and Pony Show; in which they capture Rarity and force her to use her magic ability to look for precious gems. Although simple and not very deep, the Diamond Dogs still have a reason for being the antagonists unlike Sombra. This is not the case for Quizzical though. The Diamond Dogs could be the Sombra of Quizzical for being the protagonists.

Now before you say “what” aloud, one of the Diamond Dogs is made a protagonist. For most of the latter part of Quizzical, Indy gets a lot of screen time helping Quizzical get through her time in the caverns but never has any depth to his character. His motivation to help Quiz is never really explained. Now writers, I am not saying to go out and say “My alicorn OC feels sad because of laddy flippin da.”  

In the end, Indy is there to help Quizzical get from point a to point b. Does this make him a side character? Yes. Does that make him a bad character? Not exactly. Indy puts an important spotlight on Quiz. He is instrumental in highlighting Quiz’s value just as Sombra was in the premiere. They’re both help to move along the story’s plot. So yes, Indy is like Sombra in that respect. However, this is not a bad thing. Both characters are side characters who just so happen to have important roles but lack depth. What do you think? Leave your thoughts and other painful luggage in the comments! I’ve been Admujica. Have a great weekend everypony!

FiM Fiction Review - Quizzical can be found here.

Read Quizzical by JMac here!

FiM Fiction Review - My Little World War 2

So I was taking a walk when, for some strange reason, I found a lone sock lying on the sidewalk. Now I live in a decent neighborhood where random muddy socks should be a seldom occurrence, but this could be metaphor for the main problem with this story. Cold Revenge’s My Little World War 2 shortcomings exaggerate how out-of-place everything was in this story. Of course, I didn't see Hitler-Luna coming to wrack me upside the head but this is what makes this story feel out-of-place. Sticking out of all its problems, there is no build-up for the events of this story. The Mane 6 breaking character, problems with pacing, and a lacking narrative makes this story trip and fall in several places. If I didn't get the point across yet, I don't have too many not things to say about My Little World War 2. The good thing is cold revenge has taken it down for a complete overhaul and while it is his first story, I am confident that a better review will be up after this "major revision." For this I have to say, good work!

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My Little World War 2 by cold revenge

Incomplete (last update March 12, 2013)

The Solar Empire has ruled for too long, now it's up to Princess Luna, our fearless new leader, to launch a war that will spread across the globe! Who is on which side, and more importantly, who will survive this struggle between sisters!?

Tags: Tragedy, Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Rating: Mature, Gore

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If I'm going to make a negative review, I’m going to start from the beginning of this story’s problems. The events of My Little World War 2 just come out of nowhere, without explanation or reason. I very well understand that cold revenge’s intentions were to strictly follow the events of the Second World War, but this story feels all too much copy/paste. As a direct result, there isn't any build-up toward these events; they just happen. It goes directly into my early statement concerning the main cast breaking character. In the end, My Little World War 2 feels like World War 2 with MLP characters “plugged in” and shows no reason why such things are happening.

Secondly, this lack of build-up effects pacing severely, making everything feel rushed and inconstant. Not that the story is hard to follow but there isn't much reason to care for it. The events of the Second World War are heartbreaking but that is because of the inhumanity behind them. This is not the case with My Little World War 2 because we already know Fluttershy’s comparison or Rainbow Dash’s loyalty. Take that away without giving us a "why" or "how," and the reader quickly loses investment in those characters; which I will address in the next paragraph. All the main plot points lose their weight and are forgettable. Or maybe I'm just turning into my dad.

The third issue this story faces could be a direct result of the second; the drastic character changes. One minute, someone could be Fluttershy-level kindness one chapter then a cold-blooded killer the next. These drastic “character breaking” moments happen quickly and without explanation. Not to mention the Mane 6 are forced to take on strange personalities. This is my main reason for “shrugging off” any of the characters. Without spoiling anything, some of the things that happen are pretty heavy but, because I don't see them unfold naturally, I don't see the true extend of them. The plot suffer as well, making it bland and uninteresting.

If you've already read my review of Farming in the Icy Inferno, you might remember how I mentioned that setting establishes mood. My Little World War 2 does not visualize anything well and it became evident as the more emotional parts didn't exactly tug at my heartstrings. The mood, or lack of, pushes the in the wrong way for me. Of course, this only exaggerating the disappointing narrative. The narrative is uninteresting and doesn't do much to help the story. It’s slow and monotone, never highlighting important points.

Finally it’s over! I really don't like negative reviews. To round it up, My Little World War 2 suffers from bad pacing, extreme character breaking, and a lack of visualization. If cold revenge could take things more slowly and take the time to expand on the events of the war and grow the characters then My Little World War 2 would be a decent crossover. Nevertheless, I would definitely like to hear your opinion! Leave a comment below telling me what you think! Well that wrap up this review. This has been Admujica. Stay safe everypony!

My Little World War 2 gets a score of: 2.5 out of 10

Overall rushed with too many character breaking moments to make up for its bland plot

* No link available. Story under revision. **Review published with permission from author.

FiM Fiction Review - The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape

I don’t know how stories with ridiculously long titles float to the top of my inbox, but I had a particularly bad time with this one when a lovely individual’s comment spoiled the thing. Damn you Lukezv; there is no forgiveness for the sin you have committed. Yes, I read the comments section! Lesson learned, but that’s besides the point. Flutterdash’s The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape serves as an excellent reminder to writers to elaborate on character and plot. It’s unfortunate since Flutterdash can put together clever and entertaining conversations that can feel realistic if it was executed well. The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is a decent short-story even with it’s shortcomings. Now stop making long titles before I get carpal tunnel.

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The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape by flutterdash1

Complete (last updated Nov 17,2012)

Doctor Trotson has been assigned to observe Sherlock Hooves and his activities in Trottingham.  He is assigned by the Minister of the Night to observe this obscure pony and as he does so he gets dragged into a murder investigation involving the mythical Slenderpony. Read it here.

Tags: Adventure, (Crossover)

Rating: Everyone, (Teen)

(Edited to better categorize this story) (Suggested Teen due to depictions of violence and very moderate gore)

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Well, didn't I just make myself look dumb. Lukezv is forgiven, the description spoils that. I should've better explored that better, should I? Oh, the ways I try to make myself look clever. My biggest issue with The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is how short it is. Don't get me wrong, I like short stories, but Flutterdash clearly didn't make this long enough to elaborate on Sherlock and Trotson’s characters. We end up not seeing any of their thoughts or flaws, leaving them unrelatable and weak. On a related note, the plot feels rushed and  not very clever. It wraps up quickly and hardly shows any development of the two character’s relationship. The list goes on-and-on about how rushed The Trottingham Reports feel.

The Sherlock Holmes stories have incredible amounts of layers to them; so much so that the BBC’s Sherlock takes an hour-and-a -half episode to solve one mystery. Now, it could just be that I’m too large of a fan of the BBC’s Sherlock, but I can easily say that those should be the standard model to the Holmes, or Hooves, mysteries. It’s going to upset a lot of people that The Trottingham Reports doesn’t take its time to add depth to its mystery. Sherlock Hooves would be clever if he solved clever mysteries.

Also, the pacing suffers as a direct result. Important plot points feel abused and any sort of buildup seems to be lost between the lines. Although there is only one instance where a slow part seemed to overstay its welcome, this is kind of a bad thing. The major plot points are the only thing driving this story, making them lose their weight.

That’s enough bad news for a Tuesday! Flutterdash does have one incredible talent: being able to make his conversations flow well and feel realistic. Not only that but they're clever too. I could be missing the bigger picture here. With this amazing dialogue, the right length, and a lot more character development, flutterdash could put together a masterpiece. So in other words, flutterdash is a good writer but this story is way too short to be anything but just that: a sweet, short story. I easily recommend this anyone looking for short story. This has been Admujica. Have a great week guys.

The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape gets a score of: 6.5 out of 10

Really rushed but has the elements for an enjoyable short story

Read it here.