FiM Fiction Review: The Sword Coast

I would like to address something briefly before moving on to the review. As many of you have heard, actor and comedian Robin Williams was pronounced dead in his home last Monday. The actor behind Genie in Aladdin and John Keating in Dead Poet Society brought so much joy and inspiration to my friends and I over the years. The news of his apparent (now confirmed) suicide came as a shock to all of us. Mr. Williams was battling depression leading up to this and his death serves as a grim reminder that anxiety and depression is something that many people suffer through every single day. My friends, I invite you to remember this amazing man and help in the battle against these horrible conditions. If you can spare the time and money, please take a moment and consider joining me in donating to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. 

And for those of you considering suicide, I've been there before. I understand even thinking about taking you own life takes a lot of courage. Whatever pushed you there might be tough to get through, but I beg you: don't give up. I'm sure you've heard it all before, but your life is worth so much more. Here's the number for the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or my inbox is always open if you'd like someone to talk to. Here's a link for other countries and their lifeline numbers. 

Thanks for reading and now on to the review: 

Do you like adventure? Do you like intense action that puts the main character's life in constant jeopardy? Then you'll like this story. AdrianVesper's The Sword Coast follows the journey of Twilight Sparkle, a young ward and apprentice of Star Swirl, as she tracks down the conspirators and circumstances behind her mentor's murder. It's a pulse-pounding tale full of well done action and interesting characters. Unfortunately, The Sword Coast has no lack of problems that can easily put off some readers. From it's lackluster exposition and choppy dialogue, its shortcomings are few but glaring. Head down below the break for my review of The Sword Coast by AdrianVesper.

FiM Fiction Review: Cold Light

It's rare that I read a story for fun as of late. Especially now with the review marathon in full swing, most stories that catch my eye on Equestria Daily usually go to the purgatory that is my “Read Later” list. With the exception of this one. Perhaps it was how ambitious it is for another relatively low-profile writer to take on such a story? Or how the introduction catches the reader's attention by foreshadowing the climax? These things and more make Scramblers and Shadows' Cold Light my most anticipated story this year. From its interesting character dynamics to fascinating world building, there's no doubt that this story has plenty of potential. If Cold Light builds up to be as good as its opening chapters, I am very interested in reading more. Head down below the break for my review of Cold Light by Scramblers and Shadows.

FiM Fiction Review: The Equestrian Origins Trilogy (Part 2): Keeper of the Crystal Heart

I couldn't help but notice the streak of negative reviews I've been handing down recently. Like I've said many times in the past, giving out low scores is not something I'm particularly proud of, even if it is in the job description. Nevertheless, I marched forward through Cerulean Voice’s Keeper of the Crystal Heart desperately hoping this story would break this trend. To put it bluntly: it doesn’t. Keeper of the Crystal Heart has many glaring issues which make the whole thing come off as weak and sloppy. More tragically, many of these problems lie at the core of the story. With its bland characters, convoluted conflicts, and poor pacing; I can't say I would recommend it. Head below the break for the full review of Keeper of the Crystal Heart by Cerulean Voice.

FiM Fiction Review: Adventures in Cake Sitting

Greetings, internet travelers! It has been quite a while since the last review so, with the help of the bestest friends anyone can ask for, I've returned to rectify this situation! Jumping right in, JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting, the sequel to Quizzical, unfortunately doesn’t live up to its predecessor; which scored an 8 out of 10 here on Problematic Reviews. There are glaring issues in the introduction and pacing problems that inhibit the story's ability to fully develop characters and get the reader interested in the plot. However, Adventures in Cake Sitting picks up towards the latter part and fans of Quizzical who are looking for something to read might enjoying another story featuring the timid little pony. Unfortunately, the ending just doesn't make up for much of these issues. So without further ado, head below the break for my review of JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting.

FiM Fiction Review - Freeze Frame

We're finally at the end of the first season of Stories Back from the Read. It's been five weeks of trekking through the perilous wilderness that is FiMFiction, but we're finally here. Hopefully you've read some of the fantastic stories featured and going to vote when polls open November 9th. News and all that good stuff aside, when I finished reading ToixStory's Freeze Frame, I laid in bed trying to comprehend how I was even going to approach this review. ToixStory's masterpiece is a mind-blowing mix of a phenomenal cast of characters, superb dialogue and excellent story progression. It's an engrossing adventure filled with drama and suspense and I couldn't have thought of a better way to bring up the rear of this reviewing season. Fillies and gentlecolts, it's been a pleasure reviewing with you tonight.

FiM Fiction Review - Fool's Gold

Sorry for the late review. I've been running around like a madman all week and lady luck hasn't exactly been fond of my efforts to get reviews done. Not to mention I've come down with some horrid bug flying around. Albeit it did give me a chance to wrap up in blankets and push on through Merc the Jerk's Fool's Gold. The glass half full right? Fool's Gold is an action-packed adventure that definitely has its moments, but also has its fair share of problems. Characterization can be a bit rough at parts and while the Mane 6 are not exactly the personalities we know and love from the show, they pull on through and stick to their cores. Decent dialogue drives much of the story. It feels a bit odd at first due to the action-driven nature of Fool's Gold but steadily improves as you get a feel for the pace and humor. Overall, Fool's Gold feels mediocre at the beginning and hits a few bumps along the way out but achieves what it set out to do: be a fun action-packed ride. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift

I would say this is a fitting piece with Halloween around the corner. Think of it like this: Abraham the Vampire Slayer has a child with Fringe and Fringe cheats on Abraham the Vampire Slayer with My Little Pony. The fetuses joined in the womb and created this story. Did I mention I'm horribly sleep deprived? JawJoe's Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift is quite the adventure filled with conspiracy involving horrific monsters and dark magic. Twilight Sparkle has to use her wits and magic to not only defeat these terrifying creatures of the night, but also track down the mare behind them. Night Shift is a decent story that does it's job well. It's episodic style is attractive and the conflict is interesting and  progresses nicely. Dialogue can get a bit rough in the slower conversations; not flowing naturally in many places. Most scenes are visualized excellently and play into the fear factor well. Although there aren't any glaring issues on the surface, Night Shift has no shortage of problems. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Of Steam Gears and Wings

At this point things are back to the daily grind and late nights studying with Pandora Radio as my only companion. I personally don't mind for one reason: stories like RavensDagger's Of Steam Gears and Wings. Stories like this one are a breath of fresh air even if it is far from perfection. The characterization of the Cutie Mark Crusaders is fantastic as they are plunged into an epic struggle between an ambitious rebellion and an empire's monstrous armada; all made possible with the power of breathtaking world building and exposition. Scene visuals are well baked and the overall presentation is excellent. If there was one issue with Of Steam Gears and Wings, it would be that the dialogue gets a bit rough in some places. Nevertheless, Of Steam Gears and Wings is nothing short of excellent. Onwards to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - The End [Stories Back From the Read - Season 1]

I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of hate for this. Shalrath's The End is by far the most liked story reviewed on this blog, but I would fail as a critic if I told you I was impressed and therefore, earn your hatred. Nevertheless, a critic who doesn't expect to be hated obviously didn't read the job description thoroughly and didn't realize that hatred simply goes under “occupational hazard.” The End is at best a solid story with an excellent presentation but sub-par story elements. Even with its solid dialogue and good structure, The End is likely to disappoint those of you looking for a deeper read with lousy character development and poor story progression. For the sake of getting it over and done with, onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Whispers

It's interesting how little time there is to do things during the Summer. In between vacations and such, time can really fly. However, there is a "calm before the storm" during these few weeks so I say we review two 30,000+ word, Equestria Daily featured stories starting with Chrono_Ryono's Whispers. Well, the second is about 90,000 words so I'm going to try to hide under a rock and try not to think of the sea of reading that awaits me. Nevertheless,  I have plenty of good things to say about Whispers. From the excellent dialogue to the interesting characters to the outstanding grammar and structure, it's hard to not recommend this story. But what's the use of recommending it when you'll (hopefully) read the review anyways? Onwards to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Mare of the Mountains

Interesting. Very interesting indeed. History was always one of my favorite subjects in school and, as a result, I was overjoyed to watch Hearth's Warming Eve of Friendship is Magic only to be annoyed at how many questions Equestria's history books like to leave as [let the fanfic writers obsess over plot holes here]. That being said, I do wish to see more FiM Fictions that expand on Equestrian history or therefore lack of. What am I getting at? What I'm trying to say is: bias aside, I think Posey's Mare of the Mountains has the potential to be one of the most anticipated pieces of fan fiction of the year. I have many complaints, such as the slow introduction and poor scene transitions, but I can't say I'm too disappointed. The dialogue is excellent and the main character has potential with an interesting yet simple back story. As I said, I look forward to Mare of the Mountains but I rather tell you why in the review. Let's get to it shall we?

FiM Fiction Review - Vengeance of Dawn

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a love-hate relationship with not only FiM Fiction, but my FiM Fiction neighbors as well. We're a jolly lot aren't we? I mean, it's hard to deny it with all the gore and, let us not forget, clop. Nevertheless, I did say it was a love-hate relationship. The reason being, there's always that one story that blows you away, yet everyone seems to have missed... Scipio Smith's Vengeance of Dawn probably isn't the word 100,000 word epic 10-out-of-10-deserving story that we're all looking for, but with some fixing it could be pretty damn close. Smith did one hell of a job establishing that the aftermath of Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation isn't easy for her and her friends. This is really Vengeance of Dawn's spot to shine: the characters, canon and original, have realistic and challenging inner struggles which establish their personalities. To back up the great characters, the dialogue is excellent and every conversation feels organic and flows nicely. However, both have their hiccups and the writing is not exactly top notch. Even with these problems, Vengeance of Dawn is an enjoyable read.  

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Vengeance of Dawn by Scipio Smith  

Incomplete (Last Updated June 15, 2013) 

Twilight grew up and found her destiny, but there is one pony who feels embittered that it should have been her destiny, her glory.  Breaking Dawn, Celestia's former student, is convinced that she is the true Element of Magic and has been robbed of her honours, her fame and most importantly of the love of Princess Celestia without which Dawn is nothing. 

Rallying her old friends, Breaking Dawn sets out to bring Equestria's newest princess down and pass the final test her mentor set her all those years ago. As Dawn begins to wreak her vengeance, and Twilight struggles to protect her precious ponies from her elusive adversary, both these students of Celestia embark upon a dark path, paying no heed to the truth that a quest for revenge can only end one way. Read it here.  

Tags: Tragedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe 

Rating: Everyone 

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Vengeance of Dawn's strongest point is undoubtedly its dialogue. I enjoyed reading the characters' conversations because they elegantly showcase the story's characters. Not to mention the dialogue flows excellently and the lines feel organic and rich with personality. As mentioned, it does hiccup a bit in the later chapters when I start to see the infamous "wall of dialogue."  Try to avoid one character talking for an obsessive amount of time; it can be an immersion-breaker for your readers. One last thing while we're on the topic of dialogue: the majority of errors occur in the dialogue. I spotted multiple random line breaks, the dreaded ", typo, and most of all, questions ending with periods. 

I can easily say that Breaking Dawn and her friends are beyond the copy/paste ex-Mane 6. A few of the not-meant-to-be Mane 6 element holders don't obviously represent their elements and I like that. Even more to the point, Scipio Smith didn't me bang over the head insisting that these guys are the antagonists. Even Dawn, the villains hell-bent on getting  her revenge, has her own struggles with the blood on her hooves and thus, developing the characters even further.  

Vengeance of Dawn contains many flashbacks to the earlier years of Twilight's time at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I feared that this would the story choppy and difficult to read. Did it? Surprisingly not. It added a very nice narrative to the whole story; showing the reader the path that eventually lead to Dawn going for revenge. There were times when the flashbacks were rather choppy and transition badly, but they were fortunately few and far between. The flashbacks really saved the readers from some long explanatory dialogues.  

Now, some of you might draw parallels from the recently released Equestria Girls. I haven't seen it but I did see the similarities from viewing the trailer. Be advised if you are annoyed by those things, but originality is not my place to judge (from the critique point of view).  

The next could be considered a big problem, particularly for the more technical readers (writers than anyone else). Vengeance of Dawn, especially in the earlier chapters, has plenty of technical errors. I'm talking about run-on sentences, choppy paragraph breaks, the wall-of-text, and minor punctuation typos. They're hardly noticeable, but I couldn't help but point out that the writing can get pretty sloppy in some places.   

You know what? I liked Vengeance of Dawn. However, the characters, dialogue, and narrative (essentially the backbone of a story) act like a double edged sword, doing well in most places but hurting the story in others. Nevertheless, some of the narrative elements really backs this story up and with a little more polish, the characters as well. If you can get pass the technical problems, Vengeance of Dawn is a good story with interesting, down to earth characters. One last thing before I go, this should be the last review before the Fiesta Equestria 2013 convention and afterwards, my two week vacation to Guatemala. Reviews will be back in high gear when I return on the 18th of June. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone and I look forward to seeing some of you at the con!  

Vengeance of Dawn gets a score of: 7 out of 10  

An overall very well done story with some technical problems  

Read it here.  

FiM Fiction Review - Everfree Courier

Human in Equestria stories. They float to the top of my inbox more than you might think. Kind of like the way my notes have somehow wandered off my hard drive for the last few days. Creepy if you ask me. I felt that DVAN56's Everfree Courier had several issues. The largest of these issues are the characters. Besides being straight up unnaturally unpleasant to each other, they often have "mood swings" and seem like clones. This is only exaggerated by the poor dialogue which is often predictable and linear. In a close second, Everfree Courier has many technical issues and weak storytelling. I really do hate negative reviews. I'm not just doing it to pick on you guys. Nevertheless, onwards to the review!  

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Everfree Courier by DVAN56
Complete (Finished Jan 17, 2013) 
The Everfree forest needs a package delivered and only a human can do it in these dark times. The man must fight his way through the lands of Equestria to Canterlot if he is ever to see his home again. Read it here.   
Tags: Adventure, Human 
Rating: Teen 

I believe Everfree Courier would benefit greatly from a proof-reader. There were multiple grammar and spelling errors. The strangest of all these errors was that Everfree Courier suffered from a strange case of switching tense while writing. While most writers write in past tense (for example: Jane tiptoed to the door and opened it carefully), this story switches between past and present tense, sometimes mid-chapter or mid-sentence. This rather large technical error confuses the reader and is bad writing practice.  

The next rather large technical issue with Everfree Courier is a little something I like to call the Diary Syndrome. When a story suffers from Diary Syndrome, it is like a diary, just listing off the events of the story and adding commentary here and there. The end result is something that is clunky and rather undercooked. It affects pacing, making the story skip through plot points and shortening the story overall.  

I believe that most stories that feature a post-apocalyptic Equestria really set out to tug at your heart strings. It's knowing the land and its people during better times that makes you cheer on the protagonists in hope of a "restoration to the land's former glory." I'm afraid Everfree Courier doesn't set the mood to really make the reader care. Descriptors are bland and linear, making it feel like not much attention was given to fully flesh out the environment.  

As said in the introduction, the character are not exactly this story's strength. They are a minor bit clone-y and aren't always consistent with their established personalities. However, it's not really the characters that are weak, but their dialogue. Dialogue is undeniably the strongest avenue to showcase characters but Everfree Courier abuses it. Conversations feel fake and extremely linear. Not to mention there is a lot of explaining in the story. These explanations aren't exactly conversations, but long lines of dialogue that explain a story element.  

I usually don't like to mention story elements and concepts, since these reviews mostly highlight story mechanics and the likes, but I felt this needed to be mentioned. Everfree Courier's storyline is disjointed and it felt like many of the story elements didn't need to be there in the first place. Not to mention the story slams on the brake too often to explain these overly complex elements that didn't do much to change the storyline. Remember, originality shouldn't be at the sacrifice of a good, clean story arc.  

This brings me to my next point, where is the story arc? I keep getting the whole epic journey sort of vibe but Everfree Courier is much too short to really make me feel like the characters really withstood a challenging ordeal. I really don't mean to compare, but take ToixStory's Freeze Frame for example.  It is clear that ToixStory fleshed out just want kind of hurdles his characters were going to have to face to reach their ultimate goal. The readers really get a taste of how they had to face the hurdles of the conflict at hand and each other as a team. I didn't feel that with Everfree Courier. Instead, it was just Get From Point A to Point B with one or two little setbacks. I honestly wish this story was a bit longer just to truly see how the character handle their day-to-day ordeals. Not to mention the characters didn't exactly change over this time. After all, a story is not about what happened, it's about what happened to the characters and how it changed them for better or for worse.  

In the end of the day, Everfree Courier has a lot of potential but just needs to full flesh out its dialogue and characters. If it bring its imaginative story elements and characters together into a more tightly knit storyline but also widens its focus to show the reader "the journey," I believe DVAN can really put something amazing together. I see a lot of potential with you DVAN, and I wish you the best of luck with your future ideas. This has been Admujica. You guys have a great weekend.  

Everfree Courier gets a score of: 3 out of 10  

Poor dialogue and characterization plague an already weak story arc 

Read it here.   

FiM Fiction Review - Of Age

You might be asking yourself “why?” I too am asking myself why I am doing this. This is what happens when you stay up till 5am in the morning with your Brony friends. For someone who is not of legal age to drink, I'd imagine it’s an equivalent to those not-so-sober moments. Anyways, it was at this moment that the chump I call my friend turned to me and said “Why the hell don’t you review any of the stories I like?” Turns out he only likes Paleowriter's Of Age. Well then. I knew the time would come that I would have to review a story with a like: dislike ratio of 80 to 1 without being requested to do so. Nevertheless, this one’s for you Eli. Of Age does a phenomenal job of capturing My Little Pony's characters, not only in the dialogue but also in the writing itself. The structure was pretty impressively done is very well written. The only problem I have with Of Age is the pacing. It's mediocre in the opening chapters. Even when you begin to realize this is a really slow story, it feels like the story is taking too long to get to its main conflict.  Nevertheless, I definitely recommend Of Age if you're looking for a good read. 

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Of Age by Paleowriter
Incomplete (Last updated May 13, 2013)
When Rarity writes to Princess Celestia inquiring after how dragons age, she gets a plea for help in reply. A war is brewing, and Princess Celestia thinks Rarity's the one to stop it. Now, still completely uncertain what her feelings for Spike are or if they're even plausible, she's off to meet with his distant relatives to negotiate a truce between the dragons and the sea serpents before the world gets caught up in their destructive clash. Read it here. 
Tags: Romance, Adventure
Rating: Everyone
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It's been two weeks. Two bloody weeks since I've done a review. Thanks final exams. Putting that aside, Of Age shines in its narrative and dialogue due to Paleowriter ability to capture Rarity's character. Pretty much every canon character is excellently done, I believe Rarity and Spike's characters shine due to the narrative. Their thoughts and personalities make an excellent narrative that truly "guides" the reader though the story.  

Like stated in the prior paragraph, the dialogue is absolutely fantastic. The fact that the characters never break character only supplements a beautiful balance of  organic and well-flowing dialogue. Conversations are natural and move very nicely. For the most part, I enjoyed the rich conversations in this story. 

Holy hell. Where are my notes? Ah yes! The excellent narrative is complemented by how well Of Age was written. The story flows nicely and is easy on the reader. Thoughts and internal conversations are expressed through the handy-dandy italic text. Much to my enjoyment, the majority of these "thoughts" never lasted too long nor made the text choppy.  

I was going to put this with the characterization paragraph but this might be considered world building. Nevertheless, the Sea Serpent and Dragon characters, even with their rather momentary appearances, were well fleshed out and their cultures are excellently reflected in their dialogue and actions. There is even a moment when a dragon talks to Rarity about their culture. Much to my surprise, the moment doesn't feel forced or cheesy in any way. Scratch that. Every world building moment in Of Age is beautifully done! Not only that but it is easy to see the differences in the conflicting cultures just off of how the original characters act. Paleowriter expands on what we already know about the world, then slips it into the story without feeling forced or cheesy. That is what every fan fiction writer should strive for. Very nicely done, Paleowriter. 

Of Age obviously has a lot going for it,  but there is one major problem that could make many readers drop it. You see, Of Age starts off very slow and takes a while to get to its main conflict. Don't get me wrong, the conflict is introduced well and quickly captures the reader's attention. Partially because Paleowriter establishes very early on that things are not right very early on. However, the plot never really progresses until about Chapter Four. My advice to the reader: stick to Of Age for a while. It might take awhile to get moving, but the plot is very captivating and has its fair share of twists and turns.  

Believe it or not, I lost my notes on this story more than I feel comfortable admitting. It starting to feel like some kind of bad joke. Nevertheless, I can't say I wasn't disappointed in Of Age once I got over the slow introduction. Backed by it's outstanding dialogue, exceptional characterization, and well written structure, Of Age is a very enjoyable story. Pick this one up if you're looking for an epic adventure with some Sparity tossed in. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone. 

Of Age gets a score of: 8 out of 10 

Exceptional characters and dialogue, very interesting plot once you get past its slow introduction 

Read it here.