FiM Fiction Review: The Sword Coast

I would like to address something briefly before moving on to the review. As many of you have heard, actor and comedian Robin Williams was pronounced dead in his home last Monday. The actor behind Genie in Aladdin and John Keating in Dead Poet Society brought so much joy and inspiration to my friends and I over the years. The news of his apparent (now confirmed) suicide came as a shock to all of us. Mr. Williams was battling depression leading up to this and his death serves as a grim reminder that anxiety and depression is something that many people suffer through every single day. My friends, I invite you to remember this amazing man and help in the battle against these horrible conditions. If you can spare the time and money, please take a moment and consider joining me in donating to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. 

And for those of you considering suicide, I've been there before. I understand even thinking about taking you own life takes a lot of courage. Whatever pushed you there might be tough to get through, but I beg you: don't give up. I'm sure you've heard it all before, but your life is worth so much more. Here's the number for the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or my inbox is always open if you'd like someone to talk to. Here's a link for other countries and their lifeline numbers. 

Thanks for reading and now on to the review: 

Do you like adventure? Do you like intense action that puts the main character's life in constant jeopardy? Then you'll like this story. AdrianVesper's The Sword Coast follows the journey of Twilight Sparkle, a young ward and apprentice of Star Swirl, as she tracks down the conspirators and circumstances behind her mentor's murder. It's a pulse-pounding tale full of well done action and interesting characters. Unfortunately, The Sword Coast has no lack of problems that can easily put off some readers. From it's lackluster exposition and choppy dialogue, its shortcomings are few but glaring. Head down below the break for my review of The Sword Coast by AdrianVesper.

FiM Fiction Review: The Origin of Sunbutt

Welcome back, internet travelers! Let me start by apologizing for the schedule mix up involving this one. I recently attended a four-day journalism workshop that unfortunately left me very little time to finish the critique, but after a little rest, I think I'm ready to jump right into this one. GeodesicDragon's The Origin of Sunbutt is -and I’m going to get so much hate for this- tragically sub-par. While I looked forward to a short but comical take on Celestia’s cutie mark story and backstory behind the Sunbutt nickname, The Origin of Sunbutt presents itself with very little character and lack of a solid plotline or pacing to drive the thing. Along with mediocre dialogue and sub-par portrayal of Celestia, I cannot recommend it, especially if you're unfamiliar with Geo’s form of storytelling. Head below the break for my review of The Origin of Sunbutt by GeodesicDragon.

FiM Fiction Review: Awaken, Scootaloo

I would usher in the review with a remark about something that happened in the last week or commenting on the last review in hindsight, but I have nothing to say this time. This limbo is torturous. Hopping in, xjuggernaughtx’s Awaken, Scootaloo took me completely by surprise. I started reading expecting another sub-par fic desperately trying to tug at my heart string but instead was moved by a fantastic short story sporting on an awfully relatable message. Along with wonderfully done dialogue and well portrayed canon characters, I definitely recommend Awaken, Scootaloo for those of you looking for something short to read. Head below the break for my full review of Awaken, Scootaloo by xjuggernaughtx. 

FiM Fiction Review: The Equestrian Origins (Part One): These Flowers Never Bloom

Welcome back, internet travelers! I'm taking on another little endeavor to brighten things up in our imaginary offices. I introduce to you, the reader, my latest shenanigans: series reviews! Just kidding… I know it's not all that exciting. Worth mentioning though: For the next few weeks, we'll be putting Cerulean Voice’s Equestrian Origins Trilogy under the microscope and reviewing all three stories. With that incredibly important piece of news: onwards to the review! These Flowers Never Bloom, the first of three stories diving into the very origin of Equestria is, surprisingly, rather solid. It definitely has its moments with some fascinating imagery and solid dialogue. However, things start to get awfully troublesome in the character arc department when clunky pacing and some bland main characters combine to make things stagnate. Either way, I recommend you take a look at it. Head down below the break for my review of Cerulean Voice’s These Flowers Never Bloom!

FiM Fiction (Collab) Review: Mother May I?

Welcome back, internet travelers! As the post banner may suggest, we are spicing things up a little bit around here. You see, I love it when another critic wants to try something new with me so when Fantasia Archmage came to me looking to collab on a review, I quickly read up on his own reviews and decided “Why not?” So here we are! Head below the break to find our reviews on Moabite’s Mother May I? and make sure to check out some of Fantasia’s stuff as well! 

FiM Fiction Review: Adventures in Cake Sitting

Greetings, internet travelers! It has been quite a while since the last review so, with the help of the bestest friends anyone can ask for, I've returned to rectify this situation! Jumping right in, JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting, the sequel to Quizzical, unfortunately doesn’t live up to its predecessor; which scored an 8 out of 10 here on Problematic Reviews. There are glaring issues in the introduction and pacing problems that inhibit the story's ability to fully develop characters and get the reader interested in the plot. However, Adventures in Cake Sitting picks up towards the latter part and fans of Quizzical who are looking for something to read might enjoying another story featuring the timid little pony. Unfortunately, the ending just doesn't make up for much of these issues. So without further ado, head below the break for my review of JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting.

FiM Fiction Review - Fool's Gold

Sorry for the late review. I've been running around like a madman all week and lady luck hasn't exactly been fond of my efforts to get reviews done. Not to mention I've come down with some horrid bug flying around. Albeit it did give me a chance to wrap up in blankets and push on through Merc the Jerk's Fool's Gold. The glass half full right? Fool's Gold is an action-packed adventure that definitely has its moments, but also has its fair share of problems. Characterization can be a bit rough at parts and while the Mane 6 are not exactly the personalities we know and love from the show, they pull on through and stick to their cores. Decent dialogue drives much of the story. It feels a bit odd at first due to the action-driven nature of Fool's Gold but steadily improves as you get a feel for the pace and humor. Overall, Fool's Gold feels mediocre at the beginning and hits a few bumps along the way out but achieves what it set out to do: be a fun action-packed ride. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Two Worlds; One Family

Here we go again. I'll be blunt. Kind of like a band-aid: if you know it'll be painful, might as well take it off quickly. MrEnter's Two Worlds; One Family needs many revisions. From pacing to characterization, this story is horribly flawed. Although there are some moments that tear you up a bit, the characters are uninteresting and the reader has little reason to care for them. We see the main character barely develop due to some poor storytelling choices and There not much reason to care for the sub-conflict involving the Mane 6. When other original characters are added to the story, they hardly move the plot (if there was any) forward. The list really goes on and on. Two Worlds; One Family is in desperate need of some rewriting and a lot needs to be thrown out or polished. However, if I mentioned all the issues this story has here, it would be called the intro. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Loving the Sunny Skies

So if you haven't noticed yet, I just came back from a lengthy trip to my mother's home country, Guatemala. I had a absolutely wonderful time but I came back with quite an itch. Two in fact. The first from an awfully strange insect bit on my leg (which I should probably get checked out by the doctor soon). The second is a result of my insanity: I need a good pony story to read. Pony Withdraw symptoms are no laughing matter. Unfortunately, Midnight Words' Loving the Sunny Skies didn't do the trick. It was solid at best with mediocre dialogue and characters. Character introductions are sloppy and forgettable and the characters themselves are one-dimensional and predictable. Dialogue feels forced and overly sarcastic most of the time. Stateside equals reviews so let's get to it, shall we?  

FiM Fiction Review - Everfree Courier

Human in Equestria stories. They float to the top of my inbox more than you might think. Kind of like the way my notes have somehow wandered off my hard drive for the last few days. Creepy if you ask me. I felt that DVAN56's Everfree Courier had several issues. The largest of these issues are the characters. Besides being straight up unnaturally unpleasant to each other, they often have "mood swings" and seem like clones. This is only exaggerated by the poor dialogue which is often predictable and linear. In a close second, Everfree Courier has many technical issues and weak storytelling. I really do hate negative reviews. I'm not just doing it to pick on you guys. Nevertheless, onwards to the review!  

=== === ===
Everfree Courier by DVAN56
Complete (Finished Jan 17, 2013) 
The Everfree forest needs a package delivered and only a human can do it in these dark times. The man must fight his way through the lands of Equestria to Canterlot if he is ever to see his home again. Read it here.   
Tags: Adventure, Human 
Rating: Teen 

I believe Everfree Courier would benefit greatly from a proof-reader. There were multiple grammar and spelling errors. The strangest of all these errors was that Everfree Courier suffered from a strange case of switching tense while writing. While most writers write in past tense (for example: Jane tiptoed to the door and opened it carefully), this story switches between past and present tense, sometimes mid-chapter or mid-sentence. This rather large technical error confuses the reader and is bad writing practice.  

The next rather large technical issue with Everfree Courier is a little something I like to call the Diary Syndrome. When a story suffers from Diary Syndrome, it is like a diary, just listing off the events of the story and adding commentary here and there. The end result is something that is clunky and rather undercooked. It affects pacing, making the story skip through plot points and shortening the story overall.  

I believe that most stories that feature a post-apocalyptic Equestria really set out to tug at your heart strings. It's knowing the land and its people during better times that makes you cheer on the protagonists in hope of a "restoration to the land's former glory." I'm afraid Everfree Courier doesn't set the mood to really make the reader care. Descriptors are bland and linear, making it feel like not much attention was given to fully flesh out the environment.  

As said in the introduction, the character are not exactly this story's strength. They are a minor bit clone-y and aren't always consistent with their established personalities. However, it's not really the characters that are weak, but their dialogue. Dialogue is undeniably the strongest avenue to showcase characters but Everfree Courier abuses it. Conversations feel fake and extremely linear. Not to mention there is a lot of explaining in the story. These explanations aren't exactly conversations, but long lines of dialogue that explain a story element.  

I usually don't like to mention story elements and concepts, since these reviews mostly highlight story mechanics and the likes, but I felt this needed to be mentioned. Everfree Courier's storyline is disjointed and it felt like many of the story elements didn't need to be there in the first place. Not to mention the story slams on the brake too often to explain these overly complex elements that didn't do much to change the storyline. Remember, originality shouldn't be at the sacrifice of a good, clean story arc.  

This brings me to my next point, where is the story arc? I keep getting the whole epic journey sort of vibe but Everfree Courier is much too short to really make me feel like the characters really withstood a challenging ordeal. I really don't mean to compare, but take ToixStory's Freeze Frame for example.  It is clear that ToixStory fleshed out just want kind of hurdles his characters were going to have to face to reach their ultimate goal. The readers really get a taste of how they had to face the hurdles of the conflict at hand and each other as a team. I didn't feel that with Everfree Courier. Instead, it was just Get From Point A to Point B with one or two little setbacks. I honestly wish this story was a bit longer just to truly see how the character handle their day-to-day ordeals. Not to mention the characters didn't exactly change over this time. After all, a story is not about what happened, it's about what happened to the characters and how it changed them for better or for worse.  

In the end of the day, Everfree Courier has a lot of potential but just needs to full flesh out its dialogue and characters. If it bring its imaginative story elements and characters together into a more tightly knit storyline but also widens its focus to show the reader "the journey," I believe DVAN can really put something amazing together. I see a lot of potential with you DVAN, and I wish you the best of luck with your future ideas. This has been Admujica. You guys have a great weekend.  

Everfree Courier gets a score of: 3 out of 10  

Poor dialogue and characterization plague an already weak story arc 

Read it here.   

Story News - Lethe [Story Update Coming Soon]

Good morning everyone. I have a little update for you. Preservation's Lethe was the first story I  reviewed and I definitely recommend you go check it out. Aside from some pacing problems, it is extremely well  written and the characterization is excellent. It got an 8 out of 10 back then. I was just informed that Preservation has rewritten it. Details after the break.  

FiM Fiction Review - In Nomine Equi

I said that I was too busy for the weekly review but I found a story that was short enough to squeeze in so here we are. Plus I can't sleep when I don't do reviews and when I can’t sleep, I read. Weird isn't it? Anyways, this story reminded me of the most perfect of all sandwiches: the sacred peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I don't know about you, but I'm sure it’s pretty difficult to screw up the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As a result, it’s a decent meal or even a decent snack. Something to take to college or work but never to be chosen over a more appetizing meal, if one could afford it. The point being, Canterlot Ninja’s In Nomine Equi is mediocre and nothing really sticks out to me. Not extremely polished yet solid and a decent meal: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Stay tuned after the review for not one, not two, but three very important announcements!

=== === ===

In Nomine Equi by Canterlot Ninja

Complete (Completed on December 4, 2012)

The first time I saw her eyes, they struck a chord within my soul. One that I have never experienced before. It was like I was coming alive for the first time.

But it was only a glimpse, and then she was gone. I am not going to let this go, though. I will discover who she is, why she is here... and why fate almost brought us together.

My name is Octavia, and I will stop at nothing to find her. Read it here.

Tags: Romance

Rating: Everyone  

=== === ===

You know what? I thought Vinyl Scratch should donate her eyes so Octavia could catch them on them black market. Maybe Tavi could keep them in a jar.... in her living room. Never mind that. My main issue with In Nomine Equi is for a story about Octavia’s obsession with Vinyl’s pupils, not much happens. The story progresses slowly and tends to drag out a bit long. It would be more interesting to see some self conflict and such but I was pretty disappointed when none was to be seen.

This is not my focus in these reviews but I have to address it. In Nomine Equi has some technical issues. It’s not written all too well and as a result, it feels clunky and a bit hard to read. The small issues in the technical side of things bugged me quite an awful lot. However, it should not be too story breaking to most people. While on the topic of writing style, the narrative is not at all too captivating. I felt as if someone was reading me a book in a monotone voice.

I say the dialogue is mediocre because, even though it flows smoothly, it doesn't fit into the story. The way the characters talk implies a darker mood that really deceives the reader. It is clear this story more of a slice of life than anything and yet, characters interact as if it’s much darker. Be wary of this. Everything in the story, from dialogue to exposition to writing style, establish mood and set the tone of the story.

I hate to leave everyone with such a short review but I have to get back to [insert secret stuff here (no not clopping)]. With that, let’s wrap this up. In Nomine Equi is not severely flawed but it does face some obstacles. The narrative is not horrible but never really impressed me. The dialogue flowed well but never felt quite realistic considering the circumstances. Last but not least, the plot is too slowly paced and doesn't really go anywhere. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for some announcements. This has been Admujica. Have a great weekend everyone!

In Nomine Equi gets a score of: 5 out of 10

Definitely solid but has some issues that make it a decent read if you have time on your hands

Read it here.  

---

Shout-outs!

Shout-outs! are pretty self-explanatory. Leave a comment if you want me to Shout-out! your birthday, marriage, or even story. Hell, I’ll even Shout-out! the fact that you got out of bed this morning. I felt like I don’t pay enough attention to you guys so please, don’t hesitate. Anyways, onward to Shout-outs!

Happy birthday to my best friend, Jack Brown! You’ve led me through some dark times and keep me me on a path I often veer off of. I love you and you enjoyed your birthday!

Happy birthday to my father, Simon! JJ Abrams delivered for you this year, you Star Trekky (sorry, I never really knew what the Star Trek fandom called themselves). Enjoy Into Darkness!

News

(17 of May 2013)

Cons anyone?

It wasn’t exactly difficult choosing which con to go to this summer. It’s been a long standing goal, you see. I say it wasn't difficult because Fiesta Equestria popped up fifteen minutes away from my house. It’s looking pretty awesome so I'm excited. It might be my first con, but I'm still interested in joining panels, i.e. a reviewer’s or writer’s panel so drop a PM if you're looking for panelists. Let me know if you're coming! I'll pass by give you a hug if you want it. See you guys there!

Onward to Guatemala!

I bought the tickets yesterday to fly to my mother’s home country, the beautiful land of Guatemala! On the 5 of July, I will hop on a plane and not see American soil until Wednesday, June 17. Now, I am not comfortable relaxing on volcanic beaches while you guys wait for reviews so I'll try to figure something out by the time I leave. I'll keep you guys updated as things develop.

FiM Fiction Review - Quizzical

As I watch my inbox turn into a jumbled mass of unread stories, I couldn't help but notice that most of them don't really fit into the My Little Pony universe. I guess that’s the nature of fan fiction right? However, I could very well say that JMac's Quizzical fits seems seamlessly into our enchanted land of magical talking horses with one exception. Damn you, Alicorn Twilight. Nevertheless, I can easily say that Quizzical might be one of my favorite stories of 2012 for it’s strengths in character development, story arc, and great dialogue. Even with its rough edges, Quizzical is definitely worth a read. Let's get our review on and see why.

=== === ===

Quizzical by JMac

Complete (Finished Dec 8, 2012)

Quizzical Greystone has just come to Ponyville as an assistant in Friendship Research.  Such a socially inept filly might not be the best pony for the job.  But this just might be the job she  needs.  If you can't make friends in Ponyville can you make friends anywhere? Read it here.

Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy

Rating: Everyone

=== === ===

Quizzical, the story’s main character and namesake, is probably the most dull and boring character I have ever met; but I loved her! JMac had me hooked from the get go as Quizzical’s character is expertly introduced and stays the strong throughout the story. Her dialogue strengthens her character even more by feeling like a clear extension of her personality. Quizzical's biggest strength is in character development pretty much all across the board. Unfortunately, this can't be said for the antagonists. The characters introduced in the latter part of the story felt rushed and forgettable. It’s a strange contrast for a story with such great ones. Nevertheless, Quizzical has excellent characters and sticks to having the Mane 6 stay in character pretty well.

As stated above, the dialogue is great and compliments the personalities of the entire cast. Although it does have its hiccups from time to time, the dialogue flows smoothly and feels highly organic. More than anyone, Quizzical’s lines are feel like an extension of her character. No small feat considering she is an original character. Not to mention there are one or two references thrown in. Did I lose an eyebrow? Did you really think you could hide those MythBusters references from me, JMac?

Pacing is done extremely well with plenty of time taken to development characters and establish relationships. Nor do the scenes overstay their welcome. Nothing in this story feels rushed or slow. Hats off to JMac for that one. The one thing that did bother me was the structure. Paragraphs and chapters end and begin very abruptly. As a result, Quizzical is choppy and it scene transitions are odd and badly placed. The overall writing style doesn't flow naturally. Although the story is easy to follow, it is a bit hard to read without getting a bit annoyed at the transitions.

This is already a long review. Don't worry, I'm almost done. Quizzical suffers from what I like to call “the sequel syndrome.” Don't get me wrong, sequels are good and I definitely plan to read Thweet Geniuth, the sequel to Quizzical. Yes, I need more Quiz and yes, I love that pony! Now I say “sequel” with plenty of caution because Thweet Geniuth doesn't seem to continue Quiz’s character arc. Nevertheless, Quizzical ends very abruptly. Quiz's arc is open ended and there isn't really any conclusion to the story. You know what? I could be wrong. Until I read Thweet Geniuth, which introduces a new conflict and looks to develop Twist’s character, I can’t say anything. All I know for now is that Quizzical ends badly, leaving open ends and not finishing Quiz's character arc. "Wait! You forgot something Admujica! There is another sequel! Quizzical And the Basements of Doom is currently in production!" A huge grin just crept across my face.

I told you I was almost done. Quizzical does have problems with it story. I can’t exactly say because I've kept these reviews spoiler free and they're going to stay that way! Maybe I publish a new series called Spoiler-licious-ness. That'll be fun. We’re getting off track here. Even though Quizzical has its rough edges, it’s strong characters and entertaining dialogue make an excellent story. I definitely recommend this to anyone looking for a medium length comedy. This has been Admujica. Have a good week everypony.

Quizzical gets a score of: 8.7 out of 10

Strong characters and excellent dialogue join to make an enjoyable story

Read it here.

Squeal: Thweet Geniuth can be found here.

Squeal: Quizzical Greystone And the Basements of Doom can be found here.

FiM Fiction Review - March to the Scaffold

It’s judgement day for Chrysalis as the invader of the royal city of Canterlot is brought to stand trial for her crimes. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Chrysalis is about to pay her dues to Celestia for her failed invasion. Will the princesses have her executed? Will she be imprisoned for life? Will she be forced into slavery or something? Maybe she'll become Celestia’s pet changeling? Maybe I need to stop reading ship-fics, but that’s beside the point. Honestly, Foxy Kimichi’s March to the Scaffold really surprised me. Lets take a look at why. 

=== === ===

March to the Scaffold by Foxy Kimichi

Complete (last updated Feb. 24, 2013)

Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot to stand trial for her failed invasion.  Thinking her fate is sealed, she is determined to be defiant to the very end. Loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz. Read it here.

Tags: Romance, Sad, Dark

=== === ==

March to the Scaffold opens with Chrysalis, now in the hand’s of Equestria’s Royal Army, paying a visit to Canterlot. As we saw in the Season Two finale, her invasion failed miserably. Apparently Celestia was willing to send her soldiers to finish off the changeling army and hale Chrysalis’s sorry ass back for punishment. To be honest, I didn't have high hopes for this story. Chrysalis's fate something that would definitely be interesting to hear about. I always had a head canon for Chrysalis taking her own life after the fall of her kingdom. It was dark but at least it was a bit less predictable than the opening of this story. It is predictable, no question about it, but that’s where the less expected plot twists begin. March to the Scaffold does an excellent job with storytelling and almost never suffers from being cheesy or boring.

Of course, you can't tell a good story with bad characters. Chrysalis and Mortar each deliver fantastic performances with lines that don't make me cringe like I usually do with stories that have the “Romance” tag. What impressed me even more is that March to the Scaffold made me cheer on a complete jerk. Truth be told, Chrysalis was a very unlikeable character, but I'm sure I wasn't not the only one that ended up hoping that things will work out for her in the end. Mortar was just as great. He is a down to earth character that is very easy to connect to. Nothing really dramatic or out-of-the-ordinary in the characterization department, but that’s exactly what makes me feel so much for Chrysalis and Mortar.

I also have to address the source of inspiration and it’s influence on pacing. March to the Scaffold is loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz and other classical music pieces. Although music is a great and classy inspiration for literature, and vice versa, it can have some negative effects on the pacing. I know, I know. I pounded on Lethe about pacing too, but many can agree it’s one of or the most essential mechanics in a story. The pacing was perfect until the later chapters. They drag on, making the end feel like there should have been more. There’s a sweet spot with pacing. Too long and you'll bore people to death. Too short and the events lack weight. March to the Scaffold was close but no cigar.

Foxy Kimchi did a wonderful job and March to the Scaffold could have gotten a 9 out of 10 if it weren't for this little issue at the end. This one was a real joy to read and I look forward to what he does next. With a large audience and a big hitter under his belt, the possibilities are endless. Thanks Foxy and I hope to see you in the future. This has been Admujica, see you next time.

March to the Scaffold gets a rating of: 8.5 out of 10

EQD worthy, Absolutely worth reading

Read it here.