Spoiler-licious-ness: Episode 1: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

Hello and welcome to my new series! I know, me and my terrible names. Most people come here from my Quizzical review so welcome back. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you read it and Quizzical by JMac. As the title suggests, this series is not friendly to those of you who hate spoilers. In my review, I said Quizzical had an incredible cast with a perfect combination of Quizzical and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. You might also remember that I said Quizzical harbored weak characters as well. Let’s get our Spoiler-licious-ness on and answer one simple question: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

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Spoiler-licious-ness

Episode 1: Are the Diamond Dogs the Sombra of Quizzical?

Hosted by Admujica

Featuring Quizzical by JMac

Presented by

The Journals Network

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Let me start out by saying that Quizzical is possibly the most lovable original character that I have ever seen! I haven’t enjoyed an original character so much since Fallout: Equestria’s very own Little Pip. Not too mention she partially out-Twilighted Twilight. Poor Twi has met her match. The reason Quizzical is such a well founded character is because the story really takes its time to establish her through her relationships and so on. We have to remember this is exactly what Friendship is Magic forgot to do with Sombra. Sombra looks and sounds evil but in the end of the day, that’s all he is. Thank Celestia the premiere was more so focused on Twilight’s “test” than it was on him or else we have an episode focused on a character lacking depth.

How does this involve Quizzical? It’s actually pretty simple. In the seventh chapter, Quizzical does a one-eighty by throwing Quizzical into the caverns of the Diamond Dogs. For the sake of the people not up to date on their MLP, the Diamond Dogs are seen in Episode 19 of the First Season: A Dog and Pony Show; in which they capture Rarity and force her to use her magic ability to look for precious gems. Although simple and not very deep, the Diamond Dogs still have a reason for being the antagonists unlike Sombra. This is not the case for Quizzical though. The Diamond Dogs could be the Sombra of Quizzical for being the protagonists.

Now before you say “what” aloud, one of the Diamond Dogs is made a protagonist. For most of the latter part of Quizzical, Indy gets a lot of screen time helping Quizzical get through her time in the caverns but never has any depth to his character. His motivation to help Quiz is never really explained. Now writers, I am not saying to go out and say “My alicorn OC feels sad because of laddy flippin da.”  

In the end, Indy is there to help Quizzical get from point a to point b. Does this make him a side character? Yes. Does that make him a bad character? Not exactly. Indy puts an important spotlight on Quiz. He is instrumental in highlighting Quiz’s value just as Sombra was in the premiere. They’re both help to move along the story’s plot. So yes, Indy is like Sombra in that respect. However, this is not a bad thing. Both characters are side characters who just so happen to have important roles but lack depth. What do you think? Leave your thoughts and other painful luggage in the comments! I’ve been Admujica. Have a great weekend everypony!

FiM Fiction Review - Quizzical can be found here.

Read Quizzical by JMac here!

FiM Fiction Review - My Little World War 2

So I was taking a walk when, for some strange reason, I found a lone sock lying on the sidewalk. Now I live in a decent neighborhood where random muddy socks should be a seldom occurrence, but this could be metaphor for the main problem with this story. Cold Revenge’s My Little World War 2 shortcomings exaggerate how out-of-place everything was in this story. Of course, I didn't see Hitler-Luna coming to wrack me upside the head but this is what makes this story feel out-of-place. Sticking out of all its problems, there is no build-up for the events of this story. The Mane 6 breaking character, problems with pacing, and a lacking narrative makes this story trip and fall in several places. If I didn't get the point across yet, I don't have too many not things to say about My Little World War 2. The good thing is cold revenge has taken it down for a complete overhaul and while it is his first story, I am confident that a better review will be up after this "major revision." For this I have to say, good work!

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My Little World War 2 by cold revenge

Incomplete (last update March 12, 2013)

The Solar Empire has ruled for too long, now it's up to Princess Luna, our fearless new leader, to launch a war that will spread across the globe! Who is on which side, and more importantly, who will survive this struggle between sisters!?

Tags: Tragedy, Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Rating: Mature, Gore

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If I'm going to make a negative review, I’m going to start from the beginning of this story’s problems. The events of My Little World War 2 just come out of nowhere, without explanation or reason. I very well understand that cold revenge’s intentions were to strictly follow the events of the Second World War, but this story feels all too much copy/paste. As a direct result, there isn't any build-up toward these events; they just happen. It goes directly into my early statement concerning the main cast breaking character. In the end, My Little World War 2 feels like World War 2 with MLP characters “plugged in” and shows no reason why such things are happening.

Secondly, this lack of build-up effects pacing severely, making everything feel rushed and inconstant. Not that the story is hard to follow but there isn't much reason to care for it. The events of the Second World War are heartbreaking but that is because of the inhumanity behind them. This is not the case with My Little World War 2 because we already know Fluttershy’s comparison or Rainbow Dash’s loyalty. Take that away without giving us a "why" or "how," and the reader quickly loses investment in those characters; which I will address in the next paragraph. All the main plot points lose their weight and are forgettable. Or maybe I'm just turning into my dad.

The third issue this story faces could be a direct result of the second; the drastic character changes. One minute, someone could be Fluttershy-level kindness one chapter then a cold-blooded killer the next. These drastic “character breaking” moments happen quickly and without explanation. Not to mention the Mane 6 are forced to take on strange personalities. This is my main reason for “shrugging off” any of the characters. Without spoiling anything, some of the things that happen are pretty heavy but, because I don't see them unfold naturally, I don't see the true extend of them. The plot suffer as well, making it bland and uninteresting.

If you've already read my review of Farming in the Icy Inferno, you might remember how I mentioned that setting establishes mood. My Little World War 2 does not visualize anything well and it became evident as the more emotional parts didn't exactly tug at my heartstrings. The mood, or lack of, pushes the in the wrong way for me. Of course, this only exaggerating the disappointing narrative. The narrative is uninteresting and doesn't do much to help the story. It’s slow and monotone, never highlighting important points.

Finally it’s over! I really don't like negative reviews. To round it up, My Little World War 2 suffers from bad pacing, extreme character breaking, and a lack of visualization. If cold revenge could take things more slowly and take the time to expand on the events of the war and grow the characters then My Little World War 2 would be a decent crossover. Nevertheless, I would definitely like to hear your opinion! Leave a comment below telling me what you think! Well that wrap up this review. This has been Admujica. Stay safe everypony!

My Little World War 2 gets a score of: 2.5 out of 10

Overall rushed with too many character breaking moments to make up for its bland plot

* No link available. Story under revision. **Review published with permission from author.

FiM Fiction Review - The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape

I don’t know how stories with ridiculously long titles float to the top of my inbox, but I had a particularly bad time with this one when a lovely individual’s comment spoiled the thing. Damn you Lukezv; there is no forgiveness for the sin you have committed. Yes, I read the comments section! Lesson learned, but that’s besides the point. Flutterdash’s The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape serves as an excellent reminder to writers to elaborate on character and plot. It’s unfortunate since Flutterdash can put together clever and entertaining conversations that can feel realistic if it was executed well. The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is a decent short-story even with it’s shortcomings. Now stop making long titles before I get carpal tunnel.

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The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape by flutterdash1

Complete (last updated Nov 17,2012)

Doctor Trotson has been assigned to observe Sherlock Hooves and his activities in Trottingham.  He is assigned by the Minister of the Night to observe this obscure pony and as he does so he gets dragged into a murder investigation involving the mythical Slenderpony. Read it here.

Tags: Adventure, (Crossover)

Rating: Everyone, (Teen)

(Edited to better categorize this story) (Suggested Teen due to depictions of violence and very moderate gore)

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Well, didn't I just make myself look dumb. Lukezv is forgiven, the description spoils that. I should've better explored that better, should I? Oh, the ways I try to make myself look clever. My biggest issue with The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is how short it is. Don't get me wrong, I like short stories, but Flutterdash clearly didn't make this long enough to elaborate on Sherlock and Trotson’s characters. We end up not seeing any of their thoughts or flaws, leaving them unrelatable and weak. On a related note, the plot feels rushed and  not very clever. It wraps up quickly and hardly shows any development of the two character’s relationship. The list goes on-and-on about how rushed The Trottingham Reports feel.

The Sherlock Holmes stories have incredible amounts of layers to them; so much so that the BBC’s Sherlock takes an hour-and-a -half episode to solve one mystery. Now, it could just be that I’m too large of a fan of the BBC’s Sherlock, but I can easily say that those should be the standard model to the Holmes, or Hooves, mysteries. It’s going to upset a lot of people that The Trottingham Reports doesn’t take its time to add depth to its mystery. Sherlock Hooves would be clever if he solved clever mysteries.

Also, the pacing suffers as a direct result. Important plot points feel abused and any sort of buildup seems to be lost between the lines. Although there is only one instance where a slow part seemed to overstay its welcome, this is kind of a bad thing. The major plot points are the only thing driving this story, making them lose their weight.

That’s enough bad news for a Tuesday! Flutterdash does have one incredible talent: being able to make his conversations flow well and feel realistic. Not only that but they're clever too. I could be missing the bigger picture here. With this amazing dialogue, the right length, and a lot more character development, flutterdash could put together a masterpiece. So in other words, flutterdash is a good writer but this story is way too short to be anything but just that: a sweet, short story. I easily recommend this anyone looking for short story. This has been Admujica. Have a great week guys.

The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape gets a score of: 6.5 out of 10

Really rushed but has the elements for an enjoyable short story

Read it here.

FiM Fiction Review - Farming In the Icy Inferno

We've seen Spitfire shipped with Dash and Soarin so much that ForlanceAbice’s Farming In the Icy Inferno was really a breath of fresh air. Well thought-out dialogue and great pacing really went hand-in-hand when making this very nicely written story. Sadly, every piece of literature comes with its flaws and this is no exception. Farming In the Icy Inferno comes with some grammar errors and suffers with some character issues. Nevertheless, ForlanceAbice crafted a story that won't stand out to most people but is definitely worth a read. Better formatted review on Google Docs.

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Farming In the Icy Inferno by ForlanceAbice

Incomplete (last updated March 21,2013)

Applejack doesn't have time nor the desire to find and fornicate with some stallion or mare, her duties demanded that she give her all to the future of her livelihood. So she didn't expect anything much one cold morning when a mysterious pegasus crashes into the barn that is undergoing renovation. A very "famous" pegasus to be matter of fact, who flees a most tiresome life, desperate to just settled down and find some simple peace. Both Applejack and this mystery pegasus will find out life is never simple, especially when their fates are intertwined with something most sinister. Read it here.

Tags: Sad, Romance

Rating: Teen, Sex

*Description has been edited due to space constraints

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Farming In the Icy Inferno really stood out to me in regards to pacing. The important plot points never felt like they were “swept under the rug” due to rushing nor did they overstay their welcome. The excellent pacing also helped put a lot of weight behind the events occurring outside of the romance. I found this to be really neat because it’s not something we see too often in shipfics. Sometime it’s these factors that should shape the main character’s lives, not the romance.

Spitfire had a lot of development to her character and it all went very well with the foundation the show already established. I enjoyed seeing her character grow but still “make sense” in a way. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Applejack. She’s probably one of the weakest characters of the show, but Applejack fell out of character a fair share of times in the story. Especially in the early chapters, Applejack’s caring nature fails to be captured and it sticks out like a sore thumb because of how dialogue heavy these chapters can get.

That brings me to another point: the dialogue flows well and feels real most of the time. Yes, some of it can be cringe-worthy and it does exaggerate the moments when Applejack acts out of character, but the dialogue really shines when things start to get a bit tricky in the later chapters. The conversions are well put together and flow very nicely. The romance does just as nicely. The pace makes it more or less realistic and the dialogue only complements the very well built love story.

Now to the aforementioned issues at hand. The grammar issues might seriously bother some people like myself. I spotted a fair amount of errors throughout and I am happy that Forlance is well aware of the problem. He has post a request for pre-readers and editors and I cannot express how much it would help this story. It’s a shame to have something like this burden this story. The second issue is that scenes are not really visualized well. Dialogue heavy stories cannot forget the importance of scene visualization because of it great effect on mood. A scene by the fireplace is a lot more romantic than say... a garbage dump. Now image a fireplace with a beautiful brick hearth with gentle, slow flames surrounded with aromas of a delicious applepie in the oven. Sorry, I’m really hungry right now. Sets the scene a lot better, right?

Farming In the Icy Inferno is a great story with a few easily fixed problems. Applejack’s character is better expressed in the later chapters and grammar issues look to be fixed in the near future. I enjoyed reading Farming In the Icy Inferno and while there is a lack of scene visualization, the romance is well built with excellent pacing and good dialogue. Those of you looking for a medium length Applefire will enjoy this one a lot. This has been Admujica. I'll see you guys next time.

Farming In the Icy Inferno gets a score of: 8 out of 10

Worth reading, small issues but great dialogue and pacing that complement a good romance

Read it here.

FiM Fiction Review - The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

You can't judge a book by it cover. Nor can you judge it from the prologue. Reviewing FlanChan’s The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee is something that has taken a lot of thought, not only because of how short it is but also where I can the see the plot and its problems going. Although FlanChan’s concept of a constantly-happy utopian Equestria is promising, the conflict introduces itself weakly and present a story which unless done carefully, could ruin this story for me. 

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The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee by FlanChan

Incomplete (last updated March 7, 2013)

"Are you happy? You know it’s your duty, right? Do as you're expected!”

Twilight Sparkle lives with her friends in a technologically advanced utopia, where the happiness of everypony is guaranteed. There are no fights, no heartbreak, and no troubles of the past. Everypony lives in bliss.

Twilight and her friends need to rebel. Read it here.

Tags: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Rating: Teen

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I will address this very briefly because, after all, it is the prologue and I do not expect the story to continue presenting itself in diary-style. The diary writing style of the prologue was an appropriate way to introduce the main conflict, but I feel that it was poorly executed in regards to characterization. You would expect there to be personality and strong emotions in a diary. I don't know about you guys but that’s how I write in my journal. Don’t judge. Although, one thing I have to give it credit for is the mood it sets with the writer’s amnesia. I felt that something was really wrong throughout the prologue. This where The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee really shines. Twilight’s character is depicted well because the only thing she remembers is the thing most important to her: her friends. It’s genius how not only does this amnesia set the mood, but also shows Twi’s character.

This might be the weakest point for the exposition: the storytelling is flat out linear because it takes on storytelling as telling a story. Okay, wait. That might sound confusing. Fact is, the prologue doesn't show us a story, instead it tells a story. This can be fixed by adding character into the writing or just by introducing the conflict by different means.

It’s quite an interesting choice that most of the serious and despicable changes to Equestria have already been revealed. To me, this means the story will have to revolve around the main cast. In this case, I am overjoyed to see that story is going to explore the rebellious character, or lack of, of the Mane6. Of course, this is going to depend on FlanChan ability to capture the characters of the Mane6.

To be honest, I look forward to what FlanChan is going to do with this. My main concern is how well the Mane6 are going to be in character but I really hope it doesn’t act as a burden to this pretty far fetched concept. Character development, not only of the Mane6 but of the OC, could easily trip and fall if not done correctly. In other words, I have my hopes up for it but The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee has an incredibly weak introduction with rather linear storytelling, but is going in the direction. As of now, it really matter how well FlanChan can build off of this weak foundation. Keep calm and carry on, right? Sorry for the short review this time. I really didn’t have much to say this time. This has been Admujica, I’ll see you guys next time.

The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee gets a: 6 out of 10

Weak introduction with linear storytelling but an ambitious take on the Mane6’s characters

Read it here.

Other Reviews

This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society.

Story Title: The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

Author: FlanChan

Reviewed by: Blankscape

The idea of a technologically advanced Equestria has been done before, but regardless of its original and suspenseful twist of a cliché premise, not much else can be said as anything of significant note has yet to happen. As it stands now, FlanChan needs to create a proper prologue and leave the synopsis in the cover page.

Full Review

Score: 3/10

FiM Fiction Review - White Box

Well, SimCity proved to be a complete failure so I spent much of my week on Youtube and watching the launcher tell me Servers Busy: Please wait a hundred more hours. Of course, much of that time fimfiction.net stared at me from that comfortable place on my bookmarks bar like a lost cat longing for attention. I think all of you can guess what was the first thing I saw: an unread story that has 10,000+ views. This should be a piece of cake. So let’s get reviewing shall we? 

Chromosome’s White Box is nothing short of a masterpiece. For being a short story that shouldn't bring much investment when it comes to character development (due to time constraints), this story hooked me from the start with its excellent writing style and winning narration. Even with its considerably large plot holes, White Box was an incredibly touching and thought provoking experience. Here is why this story made me shed some liquid pride.

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White Box by Chromosome

Complete (last updated April 18, 2012)

My name is Canvas. I remember because I wrote it in the corner of the white box. It takes twelve steps to get from the cot to the wall. And the lights hurt my eyes. Read it here.

Tags: Tragedy

Rating: Teen

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White Box is an interesting take on insanity or more accurately, lack of knowledge. The whole drive behind it is questioning why the character thinks the way he does. What is most fascinating is how well the narrative immerses me into Canvas’s head. Canvas, more precisely his thoughts, narrate the story and it makes the narrative legitimately from his point of view. In fact, the narrative is probably the highest point in this story. Not to mention how his thoughts flow really well and feel incredibly natural. Since the story is mostly thought driven, I was surprised when I found myself not asking about details of actions or environments.

This first-person, thought-driven setup takes on a few issue and succeeds past my expectations, because of how simple everything seems at first. To me, it was shaping up to a really simple-minded approach to Canvas’s character. I shocked when it did the complete opposite. I found that White Box was so brilliantly set up to later so us just how much he develops as a character! In addition, it delivers one hell-of-a-punch when things got intense near the end.

The pacing was excellently done and it became apparent when the climax felt like a train hit me. The build up was excellent and there weren't any parts that felt rushed or overstayed their welcome. Twilight’s appearance was spot on and Chromosome put her in a place we have never seen before: what she will do when she sees other ponies doing wrong deeds. Twi stayed true to her character and reacted just as she would in the show. This is pretty amazing considering how we've never seen such a situation canonized.

Unfortunately, White Box has a big flaw to it. As mentioned in the beginning of my review, this story has some plot holes. Although it wraps up nicely, several questions are left unanswered. A fair share of things were not explained and left me wondering if there was more. I consider this major problem because  White Box doesn't have any excuse to continue the main conflict.

There are not enough words in the modern English dictionary to express how much I recommend this story. To summarize, mind-blowing narrative, incredible character development, excellent pacing, and an intense climax came together to make a real masterpiece. White Box is must-read for anyone looking to a short, touching story. Thank you Chromosome. This was Admujica, see you guys next time.

White Box gets a rating of: 9 out of 10

Read it here. (Click it NOW!)

FiM Fiction Review - March to the Scaffold

It’s judgement day for Chrysalis as the invader of the royal city of Canterlot is brought to stand trial for her crimes. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Chrysalis is about to pay her dues to Celestia for her failed invasion. Will the princesses have her executed? Will she be imprisoned for life? Will she be forced into slavery or something? Maybe she'll become Celestia’s pet changeling? Maybe I need to stop reading ship-fics, but that’s beside the point. Honestly, Foxy Kimichi’s March to the Scaffold really surprised me. Lets take a look at why. 

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March to the Scaffold by Foxy Kimichi

Complete (last updated Feb. 24, 2013)

Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot to stand trial for her failed invasion.  Thinking her fate is sealed, she is determined to be defiant to the very end. Loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz. Read it here.

Tags: Romance, Sad, Dark

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March to the Scaffold opens with Chrysalis, now in the hand’s of Equestria’s Royal Army, paying a visit to Canterlot. As we saw in the Season Two finale, her invasion failed miserably. Apparently Celestia was willing to send her soldiers to finish off the changeling army and hale Chrysalis’s sorry ass back for punishment. To be honest, I didn't have high hopes for this story. Chrysalis's fate something that would definitely be interesting to hear about. I always had a head canon for Chrysalis taking her own life after the fall of her kingdom. It was dark but at least it was a bit less predictable than the opening of this story. It is predictable, no question about it, but that’s where the less expected plot twists begin. March to the Scaffold does an excellent job with storytelling and almost never suffers from being cheesy or boring.

Of course, you can't tell a good story with bad characters. Chrysalis and Mortar each deliver fantastic performances with lines that don't make me cringe like I usually do with stories that have the “Romance” tag. What impressed me even more is that March to the Scaffold made me cheer on a complete jerk. Truth be told, Chrysalis was a very unlikeable character, but I'm sure I wasn't not the only one that ended up hoping that things will work out for her in the end. Mortar was just as great. He is a down to earth character that is very easy to connect to. Nothing really dramatic or out-of-the-ordinary in the characterization department, but that’s exactly what makes me feel so much for Chrysalis and Mortar.

I also have to address the source of inspiration and it’s influence on pacing. March to the Scaffold is loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz and other classical music pieces. Although music is a great and classy inspiration for literature, and vice versa, it can have some negative effects on the pacing. I know, I know. I pounded on Lethe about pacing too, but many can agree it’s one of or the most essential mechanics in a story. The pacing was perfect until the later chapters. They drag on, making the end feel like there should have been more. There’s a sweet spot with pacing. Too long and you'll bore people to death. Too short and the events lack weight. March to the Scaffold was close but no cigar.

Foxy Kimchi did a wonderful job and March to the Scaffold could have gotten a 9 out of 10 if it weren't for this little issue at the end. This one was a real joy to read and I look forward to what he does next. With a large audience and a big hitter under his belt, the possibilities are endless. Thanks Foxy and I hope to see you in the future. This has been Admujica, see you next time.

March to the Scaffold gets a rating of: 8.5 out of 10

EQD worthy, Absolutely worth reading

Read it here.