FiM Fiction Review: The Sword Coast

I would like to address something briefly before moving on to the review. As many of you have heard, actor and comedian Robin Williams was pronounced dead in his home last Monday. The actor behind Genie in Aladdin and John Keating in Dead Poet Society brought so much joy and inspiration to my friends and I over the years. The news of his apparent (now confirmed) suicide came as a shock to all of us. Mr. Williams was battling depression leading up to this and his death serves as a grim reminder that anxiety and depression is something that many people suffer through every single day. My friends, I invite you to remember this amazing man and help in the battle against these horrible conditions. If you can spare the time and money, please take a moment and consider joining me in donating to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. 

And for those of you considering suicide, I've been there before. I understand even thinking about taking you own life takes a lot of courage. Whatever pushed you there might be tough to get through, but I beg you: don't give up. I'm sure you've heard it all before, but your life is worth so much more. Here's the number for the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or my inbox is always open if you'd like someone to talk to. Here's a link for other countries and their lifeline numbers. 

Thanks for reading and now on to the review: 

Do you like adventure? Do you like intense action that puts the main character's life in constant jeopardy? Then you'll like this story. AdrianVesper's The Sword Coast follows the journey of Twilight Sparkle, a young ward and apprentice of Star Swirl, as she tracks down the conspirators and circumstances behind her mentor's murder. It's a pulse-pounding tale full of well done action and interesting characters. Unfortunately, The Sword Coast has no lack of problems that can easily put off some readers. From it's lackluster exposition and choppy dialogue, its shortcomings are few but glaring. Head down below the break for my review of The Sword Coast by AdrianVesper.

FiM Fiction Review: The Origin of Sunbutt

Welcome back, internet travelers! Let me start by apologizing for the schedule mix up involving this one. I recently attended a four-day journalism workshop that unfortunately left me very little time to finish the critique, but after a little rest, I think I'm ready to jump right into this one. GeodesicDragon's The Origin of Sunbutt is -and I’m going to get so much hate for this- tragically sub-par. While I looked forward to a short but comical take on Celestia’s cutie mark story and backstory behind the Sunbutt nickname, The Origin of Sunbutt presents itself with very little character and lack of a solid plotline or pacing to drive the thing. Along with mediocre dialogue and sub-par portrayal of Celestia, I cannot recommend it, especially if you're unfamiliar with Geo’s form of storytelling. Head below the break for my review of The Origin of Sunbutt by GeodesicDragon.

FiM Fiction Review - Fool's Gold

Sorry for the late review. I've been running around like a madman all week and lady luck hasn't exactly been fond of my efforts to get reviews done. Not to mention I've come down with some horrid bug flying around. Albeit it did give me a chance to wrap up in blankets and push on through Merc the Jerk's Fool's Gold. The glass half full right? Fool's Gold is an action-packed adventure that definitely has its moments, but also has its fair share of problems. Characterization can be a bit rough at parts and while the Mane 6 are not exactly the personalities we know and love from the show, they pull on through and stick to their cores. Decent dialogue drives much of the story. It feels a bit odd at first due to the action-driven nature of Fool's Gold but steadily improves as you get a feel for the pace and humor. Overall, Fool's Gold feels mediocre at the beginning and hits a few bumps along the way out but achieves what it set out to do: be a fun action-packed ride. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Vengeance of Dawn

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a love-hate relationship with not only FiM Fiction, but my FiM Fiction neighbors as well. We're a jolly lot aren't we? I mean, it's hard to deny it with all the gore and, let us not forget, clop. Nevertheless, I did say it was a love-hate relationship. The reason being, there's always that one story that blows you away, yet everyone seems to have missed... Scipio Smith's Vengeance of Dawn probably isn't the word 100,000 word epic 10-out-of-10-deserving story that we're all looking for, but with some fixing it could be pretty damn close. Smith did one hell of a job establishing that the aftermath of Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation isn't easy for her and her friends. This is really Vengeance of Dawn's spot to shine: the characters, canon and original, have realistic and challenging inner struggles which establish their personalities. To back up the great characters, the dialogue is excellent and every conversation feels organic and flows nicely. However, both have their hiccups and the writing is not exactly top notch. Even with these problems, Vengeance of Dawn is an enjoyable read.  

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Vengeance of Dawn by Scipio Smith  

Incomplete (Last Updated June 15, 2013) 

Twilight grew up and found her destiny, but there is one pony who feels embittered that it should have been her destiny, her glory.  Breaking Dawn, Celestia's former student, is convinced that she is the true Element of Magic and has been robbed of her honours, her fame and most importantly of the love of Princess Celestia without which Dawn is nothing. 

Rallying her old friends, Breaking Dawn sets out to bring Equestria's newest princess down and pass the final test her mentor set her all those years ago. As Dawn begins to wreak her vengeance, and Twilight struggles to protect her precious ponies from her elusive adversary, both these students of Celestia embark upon a dark path, paying no heed to the truth that a quest for revenge can only end one way. Read it here.  

Tags: Tragedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe 

Rating: Everyone 

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Vengeance of Dawn's strongest point is undoubtedly its dialogue. I enjoyed reading the characters' conversations because they elegantly showcase the story's characters. Not to mention the dialogue flows excellently and the lines feel organic and rich with personality. As mentioned, it does hiccup a bit in the later chapters when I start to see the infamous "wall of dialogue."  Try to avoid one character talking for an obsessive amount of time; it can be an immersion-breaker for your readers. One last thing while we're on the topic of dialogue: the majority of errors occur in the dialogue. I spotted multiple random line breaks, the dreaded ", typo, and most of all, questions ending with periods. 

I can easily say that Breaking Dawn and her friends are beyond the copy/paste ex-Mane 6. A few of the not-meant-to-be Mane 6 element holders don't obviously represent their elements and I like that. Even more to the point, Scipio Smith didn't me bang over the head insisting that these guys are the antagonists. Even Dawn, the villains hell-bent on getting  her revenge, has her own struggles with the blood on her hooves and thus, developing the characters even further.  

Vengeance of Dawn contains many flashbacks to the earlier years of Twilight's time at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I feared that this would the story choppy and difficult to read. Did it? Surprisingly not. It added a very nice narrative to the whole story; showing the reader the path that eventually lead to Dawn going for revenge. There were times when the flashbacks were rather choppy and transition badly, but they were fortunately few and far between. The flashbacks really saved the readers from some long explanatory dialogues.  

Now, some of you might draw parallels from the recently released Equestria Girls. I haven't seen it but I did see the similarities from viewing the trailer. Be advised if you are annoyed by those things, but originality is not my place to judge (from the critique point of view).  

The next could be considered a big problem, particularly for the more technical readers (writers than anyone else). Vengeance of Dawn, especially in the earlier chapters, has plenty of technical errors. I'm talking about run-on sentences, choppy paragraph breaks, the wall-of-text, and minor punctuation typos. They're hardly noticeable, but I couldn't help but point out that the writing can get pretty sloppy in some places.   

You know what? I liked Vengeance of Dawn. However, the characters, dialogue, and narrative (essentially the backbone of a story) act like a double edged sword, doing well in most places but hurting the story in others. Nevertheless, some of the narrative elements really backs this story up and with a little more polish, the characters as well. If you can get pass the technical problems, Vengeance of Dawn is a good story with interesting, down to earth characters. One last thing before I go, this should be the last review before the Fiesta Equestria 2013 convention and afterwards, my two week vacation to Guatemala. Reviews will be back in high gear when I return on the 18th of June. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone and I look forward to seeing some of you at the con!  

Vengeance of Dawn gets a score of: 7 out of 10  

An overall very well done story with some technical problems  

Read it here.  

Story News - Lethe [Story Update Coming Soon]

Good morning everyone. I have a little update for you. Preservation's Lethe was the first story I  reviewed and I definitely recommend you go check it out. Aside from some pacing problems, it is extremely well  written and the characterization is excellent. It got an 8 out of 10 back then. I was just informed that Preservation has rewritten it. Details after the break.  

FiM Fiction Review - The Human and The Tall One

I couldn't help but notice that I have been giving out lower and lower scores as of late. I think I might just be growing a bit ill-humored and therefore more willing to burn a box of puppies. I never liked the bloody things anyways. TheMadBrony’s The Human and the Tall One has an entertaining main character that is driving force behind this story. The conversations he has with himself are hilarious and while it doesn’t express internal conflict, his multiple personalities provide very amusing commentary. However, this story is quickly weighed down by mediocre dialogue and bad characterization. Even more so, the narrative and writing need some work. This is going to be another negative review, isn't it? Yep! Onward to reviews!

FiM Fiction Review - My Little World War 2

So I was taking a walk when, for some strange reason, I found a lone sock lying on the sidewalk. Now I live in a decent neighborhood where random muddy socks should be a seldom occurrence, but this could be metaphor for the main problem with this story. Cold Revenge’s My Little World War 2 shortcomings exaggerate how out-of-place everything was in this story. Of course, I didn't see Hitler-Luna coming to wrack me upside the head but this is what makes this story feel out-of-place. Sticking out of all its problems, there is no build-up for the events of this story. The Mane 6 breaking character, problems with pacing, and a lacking narrative makes this story trip and fall in several places. If I didn't get the point across yet, I don't have too many not things to say about My Little World War 2. The good thing is cold revenge has taken it down for a complete overhaul and while it is his first story, I am confident that a better review will be up after this "major revision." For this I have to say, good work!

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My Little World War 2 by cold revenge

Incomplete (last update March 12, 2013)

The Solar Empire has ruled for too long, now it's up to Princess Luna, our fearless new leader, to launch a war that will spread across the globe! Who is on which side, and more importantly, who will survive this struggle between sisters!?

Tags: Tragedy, Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Rating: Mature, Gore

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If I'm going to make a negative review, I’m going to start from the beginning of this story’s problems. The events of My Little World War 2 just come out of nowhere, without explanation or reason. I very well understand that cold revenge’s intentions were to strictly follow the events of the Second World War, but this story feels all too much copy/paste. As a direct result, there isn't any build-up toward these events; they just happen. It goes directly into my early statement concerning the main cast breaking character. In the end, My Little World War 2 feels like World War 2 with MLP characters “plugged in” and shows no reason why such things are happening.

Secondly, this lack of build-up effects pacing severely, making everything feel rushed and inconstant. Not that the story is hard to follow but there isn't much reason to care for it. The events of the Second World War are heartbreaking but that is because of the inhumanity behind them. This is not the case with My Little World War 2 because we already know Fluttershy’s comparison or Rainbow Dash’s loyalty. Take that away without giving us a "why" or "how," and the reader quickly loses investment in those characters; which I will address in the next paragraph. All the main plot points lose their weight and are forgettable. Or maybe I'm just turning into my dad.

The third issue this story faces could be a direct result of the second; the drastic character changes. One minute, someone could be Fluttershy-level kindness one chapter then a cold-blooded killer the next. These drastic “character breaking” moments happen quickly and without explanation. Not to mention the Mane 6 are forced to take on strange personalities. This is my main reason for “shrugging off” any of the characters. Without spoiling anything, some of the things that happen are pretty heavy but, because I don't see them unfold naturally, I don't see the true extend of them. The plot suffer as well, making it bland and uninteresting.

If you've already read my review of Farming in the Icy Inferno, you might remember how I mentioned that setting establishes mood. My Little World War 2 does not visualize anything well and it became evident as the more emotional parts didn't exactly tug at my heartstrings. The mood, or lack of, pushes the in the wrong way for me. Of course, this only exaggerating the disappointing narrative. The narrative is uninteresting and doesn't do much to help the story. It’s slow and monotone, never highlighting important points.

Finally it’s over! I really don't like negative reviews. To round it up, My Little World War 2 suffers from bad pacing, extreme character breaking, and a lack of visualization. If cold revenge could take things more slowly and take the time to expand on the events of the war and grow the characters then My Little World War 2 would be a decent crossover. Nevertheless, I would definitely like to hear your opinion! Leave a comment below telling me what you think! Well that wrap up this review. This has been Admujica. Stay safe everypony!

My Little World War 2 gets a score of: 2.5 out of 10

Overall rushed with too many character breaking moments to make up for its bland plot

* No link available. Story under revision. **Review published with permission from author.

FiM Fiction Review - The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

You can't judge a book by it cover. Nor can you judge it from the prologue. Reviewing FlanChan’s The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee is something that has taken a lot of thought, not only because of how short it is but also where I can the see the plot and its problems going. Although FlanChan’s concept of a constantly-happy utopian Equestria is promising, the conflict introduces itself weakly and present a story which unless done carefully, could ruin this story for me. 

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The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee by FlanChan

Incomplete (last updated March 7, 2013)

"Are you happy? You know it’s your duty, right? Do as you're expected!”

Twilight Sparkle lives with her friends in a technologically advanced utopia, where the happiness of everypony is guaranteed. There are no fights, no heartbreak, and no troubles of the past. Everypony lives in bliss.

Twilight and her friends need to rebel. Read it here.

Tags: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Rating: Teen

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I will address this very briefly because, after all, it is the prologue and I do not expect the story to continue presenting itself in diary-style. The diary writing style of the prologue was an appropriate way to introduce the main conflict, but I feel that it was poorly executed in regards to characterization. You would expect there to be personality and strong emotions in a diary. I don't know about you guys but that’s how I write in my journal. Don’t judge. Although, one thing I have to give it credit for is the mood it sets with the writer’s amnesia. I felt that something was really wrong throughout the prologue. This where The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee really shines. Twilight’s character is depicted well because the only thing she remembers is the thing most important to her: her friends. It’s genius how not only does this amnesia set the mood, but also shows Twi’s character.

This might be the weakest point for the exposition: the storytelling is flat out linear because it takes on storytelling as telling a story. Okay, wait. That might sound confusing. Fact is, the prologue doesn't show us a story, instead it tells a story. This can be fixed by adding character into the writing or just by introducing the conflict by different means.

It’s quite an interesting choice that most of the serious and despicable changes to Equestria have already been revealed. To me, this means the story will have to revolve around the main cast. In this case, I am overjoyed to see that story is going to explore the rebellious character, or lack of, of the Mane6. Of course, this is going to depend on FlanChan ability to capture the characters of the Mane6.

To be honest, I look forward to what FlanChan is going to do with this. My main concern is how well the Mane6 are going to be in character but I really hope it doesn’t act as a burden to this pretty far fetched concept. Character development, not only of the Mane6 but of the OC, could easily trip and fall if not done correctly. In other words, I have my hopes up for it but The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee has an incredibly weak introduction with rather linear storytelling, but is going in the direction. As of now, it really matter how well FlanChan can build off of this weak foundation. Keep calm and carry on, right? Sorry for the short review this time. I really didn’t have much to say this time. This has been Admujica, I’ll see you guys next time.

The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee gets a: 6 out of 10

Weak introduction with linear storytelling but an ambitious take on the Mane6’s characters

Read it here.

Other Reviews

This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society.

Story Title: The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

Author: FlanChan

Reviewed by: Blankscape

The idea of a technologically advanced Equestria has been done before, but regardless of its original and suspenseful twist of a cliché premise, not much else can be said as anything of significant note has yet to happen. As it stands now, FlanChan needs to create a proper prologue and leave the synopsis in the cover page.

Full Review

Score: 3/10

FiM Fiction Review - Lethe

Rainbow Dash losing her memories with a TwiDash twist? I could get into this. Perservation’s really did a good job here. Lethe has an enthralling plot and revolves around some deep concepts when you put some thought into it. Not to mention that Preservation really knows how to use a thesaurus and it shows. I really enjoyed this story and was truly impressed by it. Lets take a look at this beauty, shall we? 

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Lethe by Preservation

Complete (last updated Oct. 12, 2012)

Following an unknown incident on the border of the Everfree Forest, Twilight and Rainbow set out to discover the cause of the pegasus' amnesia and restore her memory. Yet the vehicle of her amnesia is linked not only to their past, but to an ancient magic, lost to the world a thousand years ago. Read it here.

Tags: Romance, Dark, Crossover, Adventure, Alternate Universe

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Since my reviews focus on the mechanical elements of a piece of literature, not so much appeal and creativity, I can't help but to start off by mentioning how phenomenal the vocabulary used in this story is. It’s easy to notice just how much effort went into making a well-worded, thought-provoking story within the first few paragraphs. Not to mention that the heavy use of such words put down an excellent amount of foreshadowing and mood. Although it is not the vocabulary that impressed me, but how it is presented. It’s not how beautiful the words were that made the piece shine, but how Preservation used them. Take this sentence for example: Observing the countryside, the stream made its way to the town of Ponyville, gently caressing the outer bounds of the bordering farmland before, finally, it trickled guilty into the Everfree Forest. It’s absolutely mind-blowing how much of the scenery is stuffed into one sentence! Not only that but, how notice how the adjectives give the “stream” a personality. This is an excellent example of experienced writing. It doesn't really show that this is Preservation’s first fanfic does it?

As we all know, great words don't mean great stories. I have to admit, the first chapter was hinting at a bad review. The early events of Lethe were really spoiled by bad pacing. The events went from-scene-to-scene-to-scene and in the end, lacked weight. Although the pacing was certainly not a problem later in the story, I quickly forgot the first chapter. Lethe could have definitely been flawless aside from this pacing issue. With that, it was really impressive when awesome wording, excellent pacing, and mood-setting scene description came together in the later chapters.

Aside from the pacing issue in the first chapter and the excellent vocabulary, I don’t have much to say about Lethe. Characterization of Twilight and Rainbow Dash was mediocre, but given the situation, their actions and thoughts were very realistic. The dialogue was mediocre as well. Not to mention how the story jumps around a lot in the second chapter. It’s not too noticeable; and is probably due to my short attention span; but the second chapter became very confusing when the scenes start and end very abruptly. A lot of of Lethe was mediocre, but it excelled in many aspects and I definitely recommend it to those of you who are looking for a sort-of-short story to read.

Lethe gets a rating of: 8 out of 10

Read it here.