I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a love-hate relationship with not only FiM Fiction, but my FiM Fiction neighbors as well. We're a jolly lot aren't we? I mean, it's hard to deny it with all the gore and, let us not forget, clop. Nevertheless, I did say it was a love-hate relationship. The reason being, there's always that one story that blows you away, yet everyone seems to have missed... Scipio Smith's Vengeance of Dawn probably isn't the word 100,000 word epic 10-out-of-10-deserving story that we're all looking for, but with some fixing it could be pretty damn close. Smith did one hell of a job establishing that the aftermath of Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation isn't easy for her and her friends. This is really Vengeance of Dawn's spot to shine: the characters, canon and original, have realistic and challenging inner struggles which establish their personalities. To back up the great characters, the dialogue is excellent and every conversation feels organic and flows nicely. However, both have their hiccups and the writing is not exactly top notch. Even with these problems, Vengeance of Dawn is an enjoyable read.
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Vengeance of Dawn by Scipio Smith
Incomplete (Last Updated June 15, 2013)
Twilight grew up and found her destiny, but there is one pony who feels embittered that it should have been her destiny, her glory. Breaking Dawn, Celestia's former student, is convinced that she is the true Element of Magic and has been robbed of her honours, her fame and most importantly of the love of Princess Celestia without which Dawn is nothing.
Rallying her old friends, Breaking Dawn sets out to bring Equestria's newest princess down and pass the final test her mentor set her all those years ago. As Dawn begins to wreak her vengeance, and Twilight struggles to protect her precious ponies from her elusive adversary, both these students of Celestia embark upon a dark path, paying no heed to the truth that a quest for revenge can only end one way. Read it here.
Tags: Tragedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
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Vengeance of Dawn's strongest point is undoubtedly its dialogue. I enjoyed reading the characters' conversations because they elegantly showcase the story's characters. Not to mention the dialogue flows excellently and the lines feel organic and rich with personality. As mentioned, it does hiccup a bit in the later chapters when I start to see the infamous "wall of dialogue." Try to avoid one character talking for an obsessive amount of time; it can be an immersion-breaker for your readers. One last thing while we're on the topic of dialogue: the majority of errors occur in the dialogue. I spotted multiple random line breaks, the dreaded ", typo, and most of all, questions ending with periods.
I can easily say that Breaking Dawn and her friends are beyond the copy/paste ex-Mane 6. A few of the not-meant-to-be Mane 6 element holders don't obviously represent their elements and I like that. Even more to the point, Scipio Smith didn't me bang over the head insisting that these guys are the antagonists. Even Dawn, the villains hell-bent on getting her revenge, has her own struggles with the blood on her hooves and thus, developing the characters even further.
Vengeance of Dawn contains many flashbacks to the earlier years of Twilight's time at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I feared that this would the story choppy and difficult to read. Did it? Surprisingly not. It added a very nice narrative to the whole story; showing the reader the path that eventually lead to Dawn going for revenge. There were times when the flashbacks were rather choppy and transition badly, but they were fortunately few and far between. The flashbacks really saved the readers from some long explanatory dialogues.
Now, some of you might draw parallels from the recently released Equestria Girls. I haven't seen it but I did see the similarities from viewing the trailer. Be advised if you are annoyed by those things, but originality is not my place to judge (from the critique point of view).
The next could be considered a big problem, particularly for the more technical readers (writers than anyone else). Vengeance of Dawn, especially in the earlier chapters, has plenty of technical errors. I'm talking about run-on sentences, choppy paragraph breaks, the wall-of-text, and minor punctuation typos. They're hardly noticeable, but I couldn't help but point out that the writing can get pretty sloppy in some places.
You know what? I liked Vengeance of Dawn. However, the characters, dialogue, and narrative (essentially the backbone of a story) act like a double edged sword, doing well in most places but hurting the story in others. Nevertheless, some of the narrative elements really backs this story up and with a little more polish, the characters as well. If you can get pass the technical problems, Vengeance of Dawn is a good story with interesting, down to earth characters. One last thing before I go, this should be the last review before the Fiesta Equestria 2013 convention and afterwards, my two week vacation to Guatemala. Reviews will be back in high gear when I return on the 18th of June. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone and I look forward to seeing some of you at the con!
Vengeance of Dawn gets a score of: 7 out of 10
An overall very well done story with some technical problems
Read it here.