FiM Fiction Review: The Origin of Sunbutt

Welcome back, internet travelers! Let me start by apologizing for the schedule mix up involving this one. I recently attended a four-day journalism workshop that unfortunately left me very little time to finish the critique, but after a little rest, I think I'm ready to jump right into this one. GeodesicDragon's The Origin of Sunbutt is -and I’m going to get so much hate for this- tragically sub-par. While I looked forward to a short but comical take on Celestia’s cutie mark story and backstory behind the Sunbutt nickname, The Origin of Sunbutt presents itself with very little character and lack of a solid plotline or pacing to drive the thing. Along with mediocre dialogue and sub-par portrayal of Celestia, I cannot recommend it, especially if you're unfamiliar with Geo’s form of storytelling. Head below the break for my review of The Origin of Sunbutt by GeodesicDragon.

FiM Fiction (Collab) Review: Mother May I?

Welcome back, internet travelers! As the post banner may suggest, we are spicing things up a little bit around here. You see, I love it when another critic wants to try something new with me so when Fantasia Archmage came to me looking to collab on a review, I quickly read up on his own reviews and decided “Why not?” So here we are! Head below the break to find our reviews on Moabite’s Mother May I? and make sure to check out some of Fantasia’s stuff as well! 

FiM Fiction Review: Adventures in Cake Sitting

Greetings, internet travelers! It has been quite a while since the last review so, with the help of the bestest friends anyone can ask for, I've returned to rectify this situation! Jumping right in, JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting, the sequel to Quizzical, unfortunately doesn’t live up to its predecessor; which scored an 8 out of 10 here on Problematic Reviews. There are glaring issues in the introduction and pacing problems that inhibit the story's ability to fully develop characters and get the reader interested in the plot. However, Adventures in Cake Sitting picks up towards the latter part and fans of Quizzical who are looking for something to read might enjoying another story featuring the timid little pony. Unfortunately, the ending just doesn't make up for much of these issues. So without further ado, head below the break for my review of JMac’s Adventures in Cake Sitting.

FiM Fiction Review - Two Worlds; One Family

Here we go again. I'll be blunt. Kind of like a band-aid: if you know it'll be painful, might as well take it off quickly. MrEnter's Two Worlds; One Family needs many revisions. From pacing to characterization, this story is horribly flawed. Although there are some moments that tear you up a bit, the characters are uninteresting and the reader has little reason to care for them. We see the main character barely develop due to some poor storytelling choices and There not much reason to care for the sub-conflict involving the Mane 6. When other original characters are added to the story, they hardly move the plot (if there was any) forward. The list really goes on and on. Two Worlds; One Family is in desperate need of some rewriting and a lot needs to be thrown out or polished. However, if I mentioned all the issues this story has here, it would be called the intro. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - Loving the Sunny Skies

So if you haven't noticed yet, I just came back from a lengthy trip to my mother's home country, Guatemala. I had a absolutely wonderful time but I came back with quite an itch. Two in fact. The first from an awfully strange insect bit on my leg (which I should probably get checked out by the doctor soon). The second is a result of my insanity: I need a good pony story to read. Pony Withdraw symptoms are no laughing matter. Unfortunately, Midnight Words' Loving the Sunny Skies didn't do the trick. It was solid at best with mediocre dialogue and characters. Character introductions are sloppy and forgettable and the characters themselves are one-dimensional and predictable. Dialogue feels forced and overly sarcastic most of the time. Stateside equals reviews so let's get to it, shall we?  

FiM Fiction Review - Vengeance of Dawn

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a love-hate relationship with not only FiM Fiction, but my FiM Fiction neighbors as well. We're a jolly lot aren't we? I mean, it's hard to deny it with all the gore and, let us not forget, clop. Nevertheless, I did say it was a love-hate relationship. The reason being, there's always that one story that blows you away, yet everyone seems to have missed... Scipio Smith's Vengeance of Dawn probably isn't the word 100,000 word epic 10-out-of-10-deserving story that we're all looking for, but with some fixing it could be pretty damn close. Smith did one hell of a job establishing that the aftermath of Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation isn't easy for her and her friends. This is really Vengeance of Dawn's spot to shine: the characters, canon and original, have realistic and challenging inner struggles which establish their personalities. To back up the great characters, the dialogue is excellent and every conversation feels organic and flows nicely. However, both have their hiccups and the writing is not exactly top notch. Even with these problems, Vengeance of Dawn is an enjoyable read.  

=== === ===  

Vengeance of Dawn by Scipio Smith  

Incomplete (Last Updated June 15, 2013) 

Twilight grew up and found her destiny, but there is one pony who feels embittered that it should have been her destiny, her glory.  Breaking Dawn, Celestia's former student, is convinced that she is the true Element of Magic and has been robbed of her honours, her fame and most importantly of the love of Princess Celestia without which Dawn is nothing. 

Rallying her old friends, Breaking Dawn sets out to bring Equestria's newest princess down and pass the final test her mentor set her all those years ago. As Dawn begins to wreak her vengeance, and Twilight struggles to protect her precious ponies from her elusive adversary, both these students of Celestia embark upon a dark path, paying no heed to the truth that a quest for revenge can only end one way. Read it here.  

Tags: Tragedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe 

Rating: Everyone 

=== === ===  

Vengeance of Dawn's strongest point is undoubtedly its dialogue. I enjoyed reading the characters' conversations because they elegantly showcase the story's characters. Not to mention the dialogue flows excellently and the lines feel organic and rich with personality. As mentioned, it does hiccup a bit in the later chapters when I start to see the infamous "wall of dialogue."  Try to avoid one character talking for an obsessive amount of time; it can be an immersion-breaker for your readers. One last thing while we're on the topic of dialogue: the majority of errors occur in the dialogue. I spotted multiple random line breaks, the dreaded ", typo, and most of all, questions ending with periods. 

I can easily say that Breaking Dawn and her friends are beyond the copy/paste ex-Mane 6. A few of the not-meant-to-be Mane 6 element holders don't obviously represent their elements and I like that. Even more to the point, Scipio Smith didn't me bang over the head insisting that these guys are the antagonists. Even Dawn, the villains hell-bent on getting  her revenge, has her own struggles with the blood on her hooves and thus, developing the characters even further.  

Vengeance of Dawn contains many flashbacks to the earlier years of Twilight's time at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I feared that this would the story choppy and difficult to read. Did it? Surprisingly not. It added a very nice narrative to the whole story; showing the reader the path that eventually lead to Dawn going for revenge. There were times when the flashbacks were rather choppy and transition badly, but they were fortunately few and far between. The flashbacks really saved the readers from some long explanatory dialogues.  

Now, some of you might draw parallels from the recently released Equestria Girls. I haven't seen it but I did see the similarities from viewing the trailer. Be advised if you are annoyed by those things, but originality is not my place to judge (from the critique point of view).  

The next could be considered a big problem, particularly for the more technical readers (writers than anyone else). Vengeance of Dawn, especially in the earlier chapters, has plenty of technical errors. I'm talking about run-on sentences, choppy paragraph breaks, the wall-of-text, and minor punctuation typos. They're hardly noticeable, but I couldn't help but point out that the writing can get pretty sloppy in some places.   

You know what? I liked Vengeance of Dawn. However, the characters, dialogue, and narrative (essentially the backbone of a story) act like a double edged sword, doing well in most places but hurting the story in others. Nevertheless, some of the narrative elements really backs this story up and with a little more polish, the characters as well. If you can get pass the technical problems, Vengeance of Dawn is a good story with interesting, down to earth characters. One last thing before I go, this should be the last review before the Fiesta Equestria 2013 convention and afterwards, my two week vacation to Guatemala. Reviews will be back in high gear when I return on the 18th of June. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone and I look forward to seeing some of you at the con!  

Vengeance of Dawn gets a score of: 7 out of 10  

An overall very well done story with some technical problems  

Read it here.  

FiM Fiction Review - Of Age

You might be asking yourself “why?” I too am asking myself why I am doing this. This is what happens when you stay up till 5am in the morning with your Brony friends. For someone who is not of legal age to drink, I'd imagine it’s an equivalent to those not-so-sober moments. Anyways, it was at this moment that the chump I call my friend turned to me and said “Why the hell don’t you review any of the stories I like?” Turns out he only likes Paleowriter's Of Age. Well then. I knew the time would come that I would have to review a story with a like: dislike ratio of 80 to 1 without being requested to do so. Nevertheless, this one’s for you Eli. Of Age does a phenomenal job of capturing My Little Pony's characters, not only in the dialogue but also in the writing itself. The structure was pretty impressively done is very well written. The only problem I have with Of Age is the pacing. It's mediocre in the opening chapters. Even when you begin to realize this is a really slow story, it feels like the story is taking too long to get to its main conflict.  Nevertheless, I definitely recommend Of Age if you're looking for a good read. 

=== === ===
Of Age by Paleowriter
Incomplete (Last updated May 13, 2013)
When Rarity writes to Princess Celestia inquiring after how dragons age, she gets a plea for help in reply. A war is brewing, and Princess Celestia thinks Rarity's the one to stop it. Now, still completely uncertain what her feelings for Spike are or if they're even plausible, she's off to meet with his distant relatives to negotiate a truce between the dragons and the sea serpents before the world gets caught up in their destructive clash. Read it here. 
Tags: Romance, Adventure
Rating: Everyone
=== === ===

It's been two weeks. Two bloody weeks since I've done a review. Thanks final exams. Putting that aside, Of Age shines in its narrative and dialogue due to Paleowriter ability to capture Rarity's character. Pretty much every canon character is excellently done, I believe Rarity and Spike's characters shine due to the narrative. Their thoughts and personalities make an excellent narrative that truly "guides" the reader though the story.  

Like stated in the prior paragraph, the dialogue is absolutely fantastic. The fact that the characters never break character only supplements a beautiful balance of  organic and well-flowing dialogue. Conversations are natural and move very nicely. For the most part, I enjoyed the rich conversations in this story. 

Holy hell. Where are my notes? Ah yes! The excellent narrative is complemented by how well Of Age was written. The story flows nicely and is easy on the reader. Thoughts and internal conversations are expressed through the handy-dandy italic text. Much to my enjoyment, the majority of these "thoughts" never lasted too long nor made the text choppy.  

I was going to put this with the characterization paragraph but this might be considered world building. Nevertheless, the Sea Serpent and Dragon characters, even with their rather momentary appearances, were well fleshed out and their cultures are excellently reflected in their dialogue and actions. There is even a moment when a dragon talks to Rarity about their culture. Much to my surprise, the moment doesn't feel forced or cheesy in any way. Scratch that. Every world building moment in Of Age is beautifully done! Not only that but it is easy to see the differences in the conflicting cultures just off of how the original characters act. Paleowriter expands on what we already know about the world, then slips it into the story without feeling forced or cheesy. That is what every fan fiction writer should strive for. Very nicely done, Paleowriter. 

Of Age obviously has a lot going for it,  but there is one major problem that could make many readers drop it. You see, Of Age starts off very slow and takes a while to get to its main conflict. Don't get me wrong, the conflict is introduced well and quickly captures the reader's attention. Partially because Paleowriter establishes very early on that things are not right very early on. However, the plot never really progresses until about Chapter Four. My advice to the reader: stick to Of Age for a while. It might take awhile to get moving, but the plot is very captivating and has its fair share of twists and turns.  

Believe it or not, I lost my notes on this story more than I feel comfortable admitting. It starting to feel like some kind of bad joke. Nevertheless, I can't say I wasn't disappointed in Of Age once I got over the slow introduction. Backed by it's outstanding dialogue, exceptional characterization, and well written structure, Of Age is a very enjoyable story. Pick this one up if you're looking for an epic adventure with some Sparity tossed in. This has been Admujica, have a great weekend everyone. 

Of Age gets a score of: 8 out of 10 

Exceptional characters and dialogue, very interesting plot once you get past its slow introduction 

Read it here.   

FiM Fiction Review - In Nomine Equi

I said that I was too busy for the weekly review but I found a story that was short enough to squeeze in so here we are. Plus I can't sleep when I don't do reviews and when I can’t sleep, I read. Weird isn't it? Anyways, this story reminded me of the most perfect of all sandwiches: the sacred peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I don't know about you, but I'm sure it’s pretty difficult to screw up the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As a result, it’s a decent meal or even a decent snack. Something to take to college or work but never to be chosen over a more appetizing meal, if one could afford it. The point being, Canterlot Ninja’s In Nomine Equi is mediocre and nothing really sticks out to me. Not extremely polished yet solid and a decent meal: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Stay tuned after the review for not one, not two, but three very important announcements!

=== === ===

In Nomine Equi by Canterlot Ninja

Complete (Completed on December 4, 2012)

The first time I saw her eyes, they struck a chord within my soul. One that I have never experienced before. It was like I was coming alive for the first time.

But it was only a glimpse, and then she was gone. I am not going to let this go, though. I will discover who she is, why she is here... and why fate almost brought us together.

My name is Octavia, and I will stop at nothing to find her. Read it here.

Tags: Romance

Rating: Everyone  

=== === ===

You know what? I thought Vinyl Scratch should donate her eyes so Octavia could catch them on them black market. Maybe Tavi could keep them in a jar.... in her living room. Never mind that. My main issue with In Nomine Equi is for a story about Octavia’s obsession with Vinyl’s pupils, not much happens. The story progresses slowly and tends to drag out a bit long. It would be more interesting to see some self conflict and such but I was pretty disappointed when none was to be seen.

This is not my focus in these reviews but I have to address it. In Nomine Equi has some technical issues. It’s not written all too well and as a result, it feels clunky and a bit hard to read. The small issues in the technical side of things bugged me quite an awful lot. However, it should not be too story breaking to most people. While on the topic of writing style, the narrative is not at all too captivating. I felt as if someone was reading me a book in a monotone voice.

I say the dialogue is mediocre because, even though it flows smoothly, it doesn't fit into the story. The way the characters talk implies a darker mood that really deceives the reader. It is clear this story more of a slice of life than anything and yet, characters interact as if it’s much darker. Be wary of this. Everything in the story, from dialogue to exposition to writing style, establish mood and set the tone of the story.

I hate to leave everyone with such a short review but I have to get back to [insert secret stuff here (no not clopping)]. With that, let’s wrap this up. In Nomine Equi is not severely flawed but it does face some obstacles. The narrative is not horrible but never really impressed me. The dialogue flowed well but never felt quite realistic considering the circumstances. Last but not least, the plot is too slowly paced and doesn't really go anywhere. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for some announcements. This has been Admujica. Have a great weekend everyone!

In Nomine Equi gets a score of: 5 out of 10

Definitely solid but has some issues that make it a decent read if you have time on your hands

Read it here.  

---

Shout-outs!

Shout-outs! are pretty self-explanatory. Leave a comment if you want me to Shout-out! your birthday, marriage, or even story. Hell, I’ll even Shout-out! the fact that you got out of bed this morning. I felt like I don’t pay enough attention to you guys so please, don’t hesitate. Anyways, onward to Shout-outs!

Happy birthday to my best friend, Jack Brown! You’ve led me through some dark times and keep me me on a path I often veer off of. I love you and you enjoyed your birthday!

Happy birthday to my father, Simon! JJ Abrams delivered for you this year, you Star Trekky (sorry, I never really knew what the Star Trek fandom called themselves). Enjoy Into Darkness!

News

(17 of May 2013)

Cons anyone?

It wasn’t exactly difficult choosing which con to go to this summer. It’s been a long standing goal, you see. I say it wasn't difficult because Fiesta Equestria popped up fifteen minutes away from my house. It’s looking pretty awesome so I'm excited. It might be my first con, but I'm still interested in joining panels, i.e. a reviewer’s or writer’s panel so drop a PM if you're looking for panelists. Let me know if you're coming! I'll pass by give you a hug if you want it. See you guys there!

Onward to Guatemala!

I bought the tickets yesterday to fly to my mother’s home country, the beautiful land of Guatemala! On the 5 of July, I will hop on a plane and not see American soil until Wednesday, June 17. Now, I am not comfortable relaxing on volcanic beaches while you guys wait for reviews so I'll try to figure something out by the time I leave. I'll keep you guys updated as things develop.

FiM Fiction Review - The Detective and the Magician

It’s a bit strange. Things have been quiet in this fine land I live in. Of course, there is no paranoia to be found in the lack of collapsing Texaco gasoline stations, but that leaves this review void of cruel metaphorical humor. Well, we could always joke about the poor lady who nearly lost her thumb to her cat. However, there could be some discomfort in the fact that the ‘poor lady’ is my mother. So, for the sake of not being thrown into a mental institution, we will get on with the review. Bad Horse’s The Detective and the Magician is nothing short of amazing. It’s a crossover than will not disappoint with good dialogue, a deep mystery, and outstanding characters. It wouldn't take Holmes too long to figure out why The Detective and the Magician is definitely one of my personal favorites.

=== === ===

The Detective and the Magician by Bad Horse

Complete (Completed on July 29, 2012)

To Holmes, she is always the mare.  In his eyes she eclipses the whole of her sex, and fills him with admiration and loathing.  Whether she in fact stole the Starry Night was ultimately beside the point.  What mattered to Holmes was that he had been matched at his own game, by a mare; that it had not been altogether unpleasant; and that she had caused him, however briefly, to turn his keen and unflinching gaze upon himself. Read it here.

Tags: Romantic, Sad, Crossover, Adventure

Rating: Everyone

=== === ===

As a reader, the last thing I want to see in crossover, especially in those of the usually darker topic, is canon characters. Without pointing fingers, I find that some people include canon characters in a crossover is too often trying to cater towards the love of such character. However, The Detective and the Magician doesn't suffer from such this. In fact, it’s biggest strength is the use of Trixie as Irene Adler. Their characters combine beautifully and Trixie never feels out of character; with the exception of one instance that Trixie breaks Adler’s character. The characters of Fetlock Holmes and John Watson do well on their own as well. Their characters are captured well and their dialogue is clever and engaging.

The story is sweet and simple. Bad Horse keep things short but, even at 14,000 words, keeps the plot interesting and easy to follow. Concepts regarding magic theory are explained well and the romance, or whatever romance is in Holmes’ case, is just as entertaining. The whole concept of love is comedic to Holmes and it is captured excellently in the writing.  Just between you and me, Trixie was sexy enough to drive even my non-clopper mind to wishing for a hot night. So much for keeping these reviews PG.

If there is one thing thing that sells this story it’s the dialogue. As mentioned, it is excellently crafted; being clever yet easy to follow. Bad Horse keeps the whole Holmes feel of it, forcing me to use the dictionary on more than one occasion. It’s one of the first stories to have the dialogue feels organic and flow nicely. Two words: absolutely phenomenal.

Unfortunately, I do have one minor complaint. The writing style isn’t exactly top notch. Bad Horse is a very visual writer and it shows. Photographs and drawings are used throughout the story and I mean actual photos and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, the use of illustrations isn’t a bad thing but like I said, it shows in the writing style. The Detective and the Magician is written with long descriptors and while it’s not a bad thing, it could use some polish.

I checked again. Still all quiet. It’s starting to creep me out, living in the most boring corner of the United States. The Detective and the Magician is a story that will satisfy all your Pony Holmes needs. The incredible cast, entertaining dialogue, and engaging mystery makeup for the writing style by a country mile, making it well deserving of its score of nine out of ten. This has been Admujica. Have a great week and don’t forget about Mother’s Day on Sunday.

The Detective and the Magician gets a score of: 9 out of 10

Fantastic character backed by great dialogue make this a crossover that won’t fail to engage its readers

Read it here.

---

Side Note: An Open Letter of Thanks

I wanted to take the time to thank not only Bad Horse, who tossed up this on his blog, but all of the people who read and follow my reviews. The Second of May marked two months since I published my first review. It has already been a wonderful journey and I cannot wait to see what the future brings. My friends, you are the reason I carry on. Thank you for the patience, kindness, generosity, honesty, and loyalty you’ve all shown. I hope you continue to join me on this journey.

Sincerely,

Adrian Mujica-Martinez

FiM Fiction Review - Quizzical

As I watch my inbox turn into a jumbled mass of unread stories, I couldn't help but notice that most of them don't really fit into the My Little Pony universe. I guess that’s the nature of fan fiction right? However, I could very well say that JMac's Quizzical fits seems seamlessly into our enchanted land of magical talking horses with one exception. Damn you, Alicorn Twilight. Nevertheless, I can easily say that Quizzical might be one of my favorite stories of 2012 for it’s strengths in character development, story arc, and great dialogue. Even with its rough edges, Quizzical is definitely worth a read. Let's get our review on and see why.

=== === ===

Quizzical by JMac

Complete (Finished Dec 8, 2012)

Quizzical Greystone has just come to Ponyville as an assistant in Friendship Research.  Such a socially inept filly might not be the best pony for the job.  But this just might be the job she  needs.  If you can't make friends in Ponyville can you make friends anywhere? Read it here.

Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy

Rating: Everyone

=== === ===

Quizzical, the story’s main character and namesake, is probably the most dull and boring character I have ever met; but I loved her! JMac had me hooked from the get go as Quizzical’s character is expertly introduced and stays the strong throughout the story. Her dialogue strengthens her character even more by feeling like a clear extension of her personality. Quizzical's biggest strength is in character development pretty much all across the board. Unfortunately, this can't be said for the antagonists. The characters introduced in the latter part of the story felt rushed and forgettable. It’s a strange contrast for a story with such great ones. Nevertheless, Quizzical has excellent characters and sticks to having the Mane 6 stay in character pretty well.

As stated above, the dialogue is great and compliments the personalities of the entire cast. Although it does have its hiccups from time to time, the dialogue flows smoothly and feels highly organic. More than anyone, Quizzical’s lines are feel like an extension of her character. No small feat considering she is an original character. Not to mention there are one or two references thrown in. Did I lose an eyebrow? Did you really think you could hide those MythBusters references from me, JMac?

Pacing is done extremely well with plenty of time taken to development characters and establish relationships. Nor do the scenes overstay their welcome. Nothing in this story feels rushed or slow. Hats off to JMac for that one. The one thing that did bother me was the structure. Paragraphs and chapters end and begin very abruptly. As a result, Quizzical is choppy and it scene transitions are odd and badly placed. The overall writing style doesn't flow naturally. Although the story is easy to follow, it is a bit hard to read without getting a bit annoyed at the transitions.

This is already a long review. Don't worry, I'm almost done. Quizzical suffers from what I like to call “the sequel syndrome.” Don't get me wrong, sequels are good and I definitely plan to read Thweet Geniuth, the sequel to Quizzical. Yes, I need more Quiz and yes, I love that pony! Now I say “sequel” with plenty of caution because Thweet Geniuth doesn't seem to continue Quiz’s character arc. Nevertheless, Quizzical ends very abruptly. Quiz's arc is open ended and there isn't really any conclusion to the story. You know what? I could be wrong. Until I read Thweet Geniuth, which introduces a new conflict and looks to develop Twist’s character, I can’t say anything. All I know for now is that Quizzical ends badly, leaving open ends and not finishing Quiz's character arc. "Wait! You forgot something Admujica! There is another sequel! Quizzical And the Basements of Doom is currently in production!" A huge grin just crept across my face.

I told you I was almost done. Quizzical does have problems with it story. I can’t exactly say because I've kept these reviews spoiler free and they're going to stay that way! Maybe I publish a new series called Spoiler-licious-ness. That'll be fun. We’re getting off track here. Even though Quizzical has its rough edges, it’s strong characters and entertaining dialogue make an excellent story. I definitely recommend this to anyone looking for a medium length comedy. This has been Admujica. Have a good week everypony.

Quizzical gets a score of: 8.7 out of 10

Strong characters and excellent dialogue join to make an enjoyable story

Read it here.

Squeal: Thweet Geniuth can be found here.

Squeal: Quizzical Greystone And the Basements of Doom can be found here.

FiM Fiction Review - The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape

I don’t know how stories with ridiculously long titles float to the top of my inbox, but I had a particularly bad time with this one when a lovely individual’s comment spoiled the thing. Damn you Lukezv; there is no forgiveness for the sin you have committed. Yes, I read the comments section! Lesson learned, but that’s besides the point. Flutterdash’s The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape serves as an excellent reminder to writers to elaborate on character and plot. It’s unfortunate since Flutterdash can put together clever and entertaining conversations that can feel realistic if it was executed well. The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is a decent short-story even with it’s shortcomings. Now stop making long titles before I get carpal tunnel.

=== === ===

The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape by flutterdash1

Complete (last updated Nov 17,2012)

Doctor Trotson has been assigned to observe Sherlock Hooves and his activities in Trottingham.  He is assigned by the Minister of the Night to observe this obscure pony and as he does so he gets dragged into a murder investigation involving the mythical Slenderpony. Read it here.

Tags: Adventure, (Crossover)

Rating: Everyone, (Teen)

(Edited to better categorize this story) (Suggested Teen due to depictions of violence and very moderate gore)

=== === ===

Well, didn't I just make myself look dumb. Lukezv is forgiven, the description spoils that. I should've better explored that better, should I? Oh, the ways I try to make myself look clever. My biggest issue with The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape is how short it is. Don't get me wrong, I like short stories, but Flutterdash clearly didn't make this long enough to elaborate on Sherlock and Trotson’s characters. We end up not seeing any of their thoughts or flaws, leaving them unrelatable and weak. On a related note, the plot feels rushed and  not very clever. It wraps up quickly and hardly shows any development of the two character’s relationship. The list goes on-and-on about how rushed The Trottingham Reports feel.

The Sherlock Holmes stories have incredible amounts of layers to them; so much so that the BBC’s Sherlock takes an hour-and-a -half episode to solve one mystery. Now, it could just be that I’m too large of a fan of the BBC’s Sherlock, but I can easily say that those should be the standard model to the Holmes, or Hooves, mysteries. It’s going to upset a lot of people that The Trottingham Reports doesn’t take its time to add depth to its mystery. Sherlock Hooves would be clever if he solved clever mysteries.

Also, the pacing suffers as a direct result. Important plot points feel abused and any sort of buildup seems to be lost between the lines. Although there is only one instance where a slow part seemed to overstay its welcome, this is kind of a bad thing. The major plot points are the only thing driving this story, making them lose their weight.

That’s enough bad news for a Tuesday! Flutterdash does have one incredible talent: being able to make his conversations flow well and feel realistic. Not only that but they're clever too. I could be missing the bigger picture here. With this amazing dialogue, the right length, and a lot more character development, flutterdash could put together a masterpiece. So in other words, flutterdash is a good writer but this story is way too short to be anything but just that: a sweet, short story. I easily recommend this anyone looking for short story. This has been Admujica. Have a great week guys.

The Trottingham Reports: A Slender Escape gets a score of: 6.5 out of 10

Really rushed but has the elements for an enjoyable short story

Read it here.