Coming up next on Problematic Reviews

Coming up next on Problematic Reviews

Thursday, September 12, 2013

FiM Fiction Review - Two Worlds; One Family

Here we go again. I'll be blunt. Kind of like a band-aid: if you know it'll be painful, might as well take it off quickly. MrEnter's Two Worlds; One Family needs many revisions. From pacing to characterization, this story is horribly flawed. Although there are some moments that tear you up a bit, the characters are uninteresting and the reader has little reason to care for them. We see the main character barely develop due to some poor storytelling choices and There not much reason to care for the sub-conflict involving the Mane 6. When other original characters are added to the story, they hardly move the plot (if there was any) forward. The list really goes on and on. Two Worlds; One Family is in desperate need of some rewriting and a lot needs to be thrown out or polished. However, if I mentioned all the issues this story has here, it would be called the intro. Onward to the review!

=== === ===

Two Worlds; One Family by MrEnter
Complete (Completed July 15, 2013) 

It was late on a winter's night when Fluttershy found a strange creature on her doorstep that nopony had ever seen before. At first she thought that it was just another animal, a hairless ape, but the more and more it behaved like a pony the more she decided she would raise him as her own son--named Harry. How will he grow up in a world meant for ponies? And how will Fluttershy's friends react to this creature? Read it here.

Tags: Sad, Slice of Life, Human - Rating: Everyone
Words: 32,806 words total

=== === ===

I can easily say that pacing is Two Worlds; One Family's most obvious issue. Firstly, the first sentence is the initial incident. Is this a problem? Not necessarily but I don't recommend it because the lack of exposition creates a vacuum, you see. This void stretches your story and in this case, hurts pacing. However, the real pacing problem this story has might its large time skips. Chapters are short and it's hard to tell exactly how much time is passing in between them. The reader is really left in the dark when it comes to the passage of time. It affects the overall pacing of the entire story and damages character and plot development as a whole. Many questions, such as age and personality features are left unexplained. It's extremely hard to tell at which point in the story we are at and, if that wasn't enough, the same applies to the individual scenes.

Note: In some cases, lack of an exposition might do the opposite: the author would be forced to explain the situation in the middle of the scenes via dialogue and make the scenes feel too long. Either way, skipping the exposition is unadvised. 

Scene visualization is lackluster and this puts Two Worlds; One Family in a bad place when it comes to scene transitions. I found myself lost and confused in many of the settings and locales. One moment, the characters would be in Sugarcube Corner then they would be at Fluttershy's cottage in the very next line. However, the reader wouldn't know they were at Fluttershy's cottage until the next paragraph. Are there section breaks? No. Double spaces? No. The scene changes in literally the next line. Just like in real estate, writing very much depends on location, location, location and this story's lack of sense of location affects another aspect of its storytelling.

I complain about this one quite a lot but it's usually because writers forget about it way too much in my opinion. The big MS (no not Microsoft): mood setting. Yes, this again. No scene visualization usually equals lousy mood setting. Scene visualization is your readers' cup of coffee in the morning and if you don't give it to them, they have to get it from IHOP. For those of you who don't know, IHOP sells the lousiest cup of coffee I have ever tasted. Now, why do I say coffee? Coffee (normally) wakes you up! Coffee should open your eyes! MrEnter, open your readers eyes! Paint them a painting of Harry playing in Fluttershy's cottage! Guide them through what you see. You only need two things: descriptors (for example, the dark, eerie forest or bright playroom) and possibly and thesaurus.

Speaking of Harry, Two Worlds; One Family's characters are in need of much polish. I didn't really see them develop all too well and there's not much reason to care about them. I'll be honest for a minute. Harry's story did tug at my heartstrings at one moment, but that's because Two Worlds; One Family is ultimately a story about not fitting in, which I'm sure we can all relate to at sometime in our lives. I can't say I held on to this moment and cheered Harry on afterward though. Harry unfortunately is very hollow. I can see the “I need to fit in” motor behind this character but his decisions are stereotypical and it's hard to see how the conflict really affects him due to strange time line. There was an instance where another original character was introduced but instead of bouncing off each other and possibly growing off each other, this character was even more hollow with no motor or real personality. Then there's the case of our not so original characters...

If was one thing that was more or less “okay,” it would be the characterization of the canon cast. There are some moments where it does slip but for the most part, MrEnter manages to keep Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane 6 in character. I did say for the most part though. There are many spots where someone might say something a bit outlandish or act a certain way that's weird for them. It could certainly use some polish, but the canon cast is probably Two Worlds; One Family's strongest point. 

Many of the lines are forgettable at best with mainly Harry delivering some extremely flimsy lines. I could say that the other characters don't do as badly as when it comes to Harry, but most of the dialogue is predictable and inorganic. The main issue is that much of the dialogue is backed by hollow characters and the true end result of that is hollow lines. Predictable and inorganic characters mean predictable and inorganic dialogue or vice verse. Dialogue is possibly the most important characterization tool and Two Worlds; One Family is weak in both. It's really that simple. 

The bottom line is that Two Worlds; One Family is in need of some remodeling. Characters and dialogue need to be re-imagined, scene visualization redone, and overall plot line and story elements re-drawn. Otherwise Two Worlds; One Family is really a heartstrings-tugging fest that fails to work out its literary elements. Alright folks. Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you next time. This has been Admujica, have an awesome Friday everypony. 

Two Worlds; One Family gets a score of: 2.5 out of 10 – Poor
Forgettable characters, lousy pacing, and sub-par scene visualization make this an overall badly done story
Read it here.

Quote of the Week 
“After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.”
- Philip Pullman

No comments:

Post a Comment