FiM Fiction (Collab) Review: Mother May I?

Welcome back, internet travelers! As the post banner may suggest, we are spicing things up a little bit around here. You see, I love it when another critic wants to try something new with me so when Fantasia Archmage came to me looking to collab on a review, I quickly read up on his own reviews and decided “Why not?” So here we are! Head below the break to find our reviews on Moabite’s Mother May I? and make sure to check out some of Fantasia’s stuff as well! 

FiM Fiction Review - Two Worlds; One Family

Here we go again. I'll be blunt. Kind of like a band-aid: if you know it'll be painful, might as well take it off quickly. MrEnter's Two Worlds; One Family needs many revisions. From pacing to characterization, this story is horribly flawed. Although there are some moments that tear you up a bit, the characters are uninteresting and the reader has little reason to care for them. We see the main character barely develop due to some poor storytelling choices and There not much reason to care for the sub-conflict involving the Mane 6. When other original characters are added to the story, they hardly move the plot (if there was any) forward. The list really goes on and on. Two Worlds; One Family is in desperate need of some rewriting and a lot needs to be thrown out or polished. However, if I mentioned all the issues this story has here, it would be called the intro. Onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - The End [Stories Back From the Read - Season 1]

I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of hate for this. Shalrath's The End is by far the most liked story reviewed on this blog, but I would fail as a critic if I told you I was impressed and therefore, earn your hatred. Nevertheless, a critic who doesn't expect to be hated obviously didn't read the job description thoroughly and didn't realize that hatred simply goes under “occupational hazard.” The End is at best a solid story with an excellent presentation but sub-par story elements. Even with its solid dialogue and good structure, The End is likely to disappoint those of you looking for a deeper read with lousy character development and poor story progression. For the sake of getting it over and done with, onward to the review!

FiM Fiction Review - The Detective and the Magician

It’s a bit strange. Things have been quiet in this fine land I live in. Of course, there is no paranoia to be found in the lack of collapsing Texaco gasoline stations, but that leaves this review void of cruel metaphorical humor. Well, we could always joke about the poor lady who nearly lost her thumb to her cat. However, there could be some discomfort in the fact that the ‘poor lady’ is my mother. So, for the sake of not being thrown into a mental institution, we will get on with the review. Bad Horse’s The Detective and the Magician is nothing short of amazing. It’s a crossover than will not disappoint with good dialogue, a deep mystery, and outstanding characters. It wouldn't take Holmes too long to figure out why The Detective and the Magician is definitely one of my personal favorites.

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The Detective and the Magician by Bad Horse

Complete (Completed on July 29, 2012)

To Holmes, she is always the mare.  In his eyes she eclipses the whole of her sex, and fills him with admiration and loathing.  Whether she in fact stole the Starry Night was ultimately beside the point.  What mattered to Holmes was that he had been matched at his own game, by a mare; that it had not been altogether unpleasant; and that she had caused him, however briefly, to turn his keen and unflinching gaze upon himself. Read it here.

Tags: Romantic, Sad, Crossover, Adventure

Rating: Everyone

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As a reader, the last thing I want to see in crossover, especially in those of the usually darker topic, is canon characters. Without pointing fingers, I find that some people include canon characters in a crossover is too often trying to cater towards the love of such character. However, The Detective and the Magician doesn't suffer from such this. In fact, it’s biggest strength is the use of Trixie as Irene Adler. Their characters combine beautifully and Trixie never feels out of character; with the exception of one instance that Trixie breaks Adler’s character. The characters of Fetlock Holmes and John Watson do well on their own as well. Their characters are captured well and their dialogue is clever and engaging.

The story is sweet and simple. Bad Horse keep things short but, even at 14,000 words, keeps the plot interesting and easy to follow. Concepts regarding magic theory are explained well and the romance, or whatever romance is in Holmes’ case, is just as entertaining. The whole concept of love is comedic to Holmes and it is captured excellently in the writing.  Just between you and me, Trixie was sexy enough to drive even my non-clopper mind to wishing for a hot night. So much for keeping these reviews PG.

If there is one thing thing that sells this story it’s the dialogue. As mentioned, it is excellently crafted; being clever yet easy to follow. Bad Horse keeps the whole Holmes feel of it, forcing me to use the dictionary on more than one occasion. It’s one of the first stories to have the dialogue feels organic and flow nicely. Two words: absolutely phenomenal.

Unfortunately, I do have one minor complaint. The writing style isn’t exactly top notch. Bad Horse is a very visual writer and it shows. Photographs and drawings are used throughout the story and I mean actual photos and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, the use of illustrations isn’t a bad thing but like I said, it shows in the writing style. The Detective and the Magician is written with long descriptors and while it’s not a bad thing, it could use some polish.

I checked again. Still all quiet. It’s starting to creep me out, living in the most boring corner of the United States. The Detective and the Magician is a story that will satisfy all your Pony Holmes needs. The incredible cast, entertaining dialogue, and engaging mystery makeup for the writing style by a country mile, making it well deserving of its score of nine out of ten. This has been Admujica. Have a great week and don’t forget about Mother’s Day on Sunday.

The Detective and the Magician gets a score of: 9 out of 10

Fantastic character backed by great dialogue make this a crossover that won’t fail to engage its readers

Read it here.

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Side Note: An Open Letter of Thanks

I wanted to take the time to thank not only Bad Horse, who tossed up this on his blog, but all of the people who read and follow my reviews. The Second of May marked two months since I published my first review. It has already been a wonderful journey and I cannot wait to see what the future brings. My friends, you are the reason I carry on. Thank you for the patience, kindness, generosity, honesty, and loyalty you’ve all shown. I hope you continue to join me on this journey.

Sincerely,

Adrian Mujica-Martinez

FiM Fiction Review - The Rising Stars

The thunderstorm that came by my neighborhood wasn't too friendly, to say the least. Not to mention my porch was flooded, the local gasoline station came down with a case of oh-god-the-building-is-collapsing. Now, I never liked Texaco anyways but I do like using metaphors. I’m not saying it’s like the Texaco gasoline station, but ShootingStar159’s The Rising Stars comes pretty close to collapsing due to excess weight. The Rising Stars pulls through in the end but nearly dies as it goes through too much world building in the early chapters. The pace slows frighteningly in the beginning and suffers from bad exposition. Get passed it’s problems and The Rising Stars does very well with good dialogue, interesting characters and intriguing world building. Poor Texaco, the only thing they get is to be used as a metaphor.

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The Rising Stars by ShootingStar159

Incomplete (Last Updated April 16, 2013)

After almost being executed for his magical talents, a young Starswirl wanders into a mysterious forest. His life is barely saved by a creature out of legends, an alicorn named Luna, who not only saves his life, but takes the young colt under the care of herself and her older sister.

But Luna isn't the only one who's taken an interest in the young unicorn... Read it here.

Tags: Sad, Dark, Adventure

Rating: Teen, Gore

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Starswirl was a character that always intrigued me and I was looking forward to some backstory. However, I was quick to put away my bias as my reviewer senses started tingling. The first chapter, if I recall correctly, opens with Luna retelling the events of the past few years. Considering The Rising Stars is set as far back as before Hearth's Warming Eve, you can say ShootingStar has plenty of wiggle room to exercise his imagination on the world of our equine friends. The end result is fantastic. ShootingStar puts together an intriguing and fascinating world that had me hooked from the start.

Unfortunately, this is where one of The Rising Stars main problems occur. I have read the review fromThe Equestrian Critics Society which I recommend reading but disagree with in some cases. The point is, this is where I highly disagree with them. The exposition is weak and problematic at best. The new universe is a big pill to swallow with exploration of the origin of the Elements of Harmony, Alicorns, and the creation of the world itself. All this information is given to the reader quickly and very blandly. There are more interesting mediums to recall past events.

I just realized that I started on the negative side of things. No worries, The Rising Stars has some good stuff up its sleeve. This however isn’t one of those “good things.” The largest issue this story faces is its strange case of being extremely slow. It take four chapters to establish any sort of conflict and in the meantime, the mystery is never brought up by any of the characters. It just feels like too much time is taken in doing, well that’s the problem, nothing.

Finally! On to more good stuff! For one, the dialogue is great and feels natural in most instances. It does have its hiccups where the conversations don’t flow all too well. Unfortunately, it does happen often enough to reduce points, but the dialogue does well overall. Some could complain that Celestia and Luna do not speak in the Royal Canterlot voice, but there is an explanation. Now, the author has said it himself and I am confident he would allow me to speak on his behalf. The Royal Canterlot voice doesn't exist yet. If you remember from Hearth’s Warming Eve, the three tribes were united when they agreed on sharing the land known as Equestria. We can assume Canterlot was founded after the events of Hearth's Warming Eve by the Unicorns. As a result, the idea of the Unicorn royalty later developing the “dialect” isn’t too far fetched. Hey! It makes sense to me!

Last but definitely not least is the writing style. Hats off to ShootingStar for this one. The Rising Starsdoes a good job at following the “Show, Don’t Tell” technique. This is where the writing style packs a punch. Scenes are clearly visualized without long descriptions of them. It’s hard to do and it’s incredible on the writer’s part.

It’s getting late now and as much as I like sitting at the keyboard with bloodshot eyes, yawning like it’s my duty to wake up the entire household, I think it’s time to wrap this review up. The Rising Stars has several problems including bad pacing and a lacking exposition. However, I highly recommend it because of it’s strength in writing style, dialogue, and world building. ShootingStar’s The Rising Stars will never fail to intrigue the reader as it is a display of the writer's imagination that knows no end. This has been Admujica. Have a great week everyone!

The Rising Stars gets a score of: 8.5 out of 10

Although it begins weakly, The Rising Stars has excellent dialogue and incredible world building.

Read it here.

The Equestrian Critics Society Site can be found here.

The Rising Stars Review by the Equestrian Critics Society can be found here.

FiM Fiction Review - Farming In the Icy Inferno

We've seen Spitfire shipped with Dash and Soarin so much that ForlanceAbice’s Farming In the Icy Inferno was really a breath of fresh air. Well thought-out dialogue and great pacing really went hand-in-hand when making this very nicely written story. Sadly, every piece of literature comes with its flaws and this is no exception. Farming In the Icy Inferno comes with some grammar errors and suffers with some character issues. Nevertheless, ForlanceAbice crafted a story that won't stand out to most people but is definitely worth a read. Better formatted review on Google Docs.

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Farming In the Icy Inferno by ForlanceAbice

Incomplete (last updated March 21,2013)

Applejack doesn't have time nor the desire to find and fornicate with some stallion or mare, her duties demanded that she give her all to the future of her livelihood. So she didn't expect anything much one cold morning when a mysterious pegasus crashes into the barn that is undergoing renovation. A very "famous" pegasus to be matter of fact, who flees a most tiresome life, desperate to just settled down and find some simple peace. Both Applejack and this mystery pegasus will find out life is never simple, especially when their fates are intertwined with something most sinister. Read it here.

Tags: Sad, Romance

Rating: Teen, Sex

*Description has been edited due to space constraints

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Farming In the Icy Inferno really stood out to me in regards to pacing. The important plot points never felt like they were “swept under the rug” due to rushing nor did they overstay their welcome. The excellent pacing also helped put a lot of weight behind the events occurring outside of the romance. I found this to be really neat because it’s not something we see too often in shipfics. Sometime it’s these factors that should shape the main character’s lives, not the romance.

Spitfire had a lot of development to her character and it all went very well with the foundation the show already established. I enjoyed seeing her character grow but still “make sense” in a way. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Applejack. She’s probably one of the weakest characters of the show, but Applejack fell out of character a fair share of times in the story. Especially in the early chapters, Applejack’s caring nature fails to be captured and it sticks out like a sore thumb because of how dialogue heavy these chapters can get.

That brings me to another point: the dialogue flows well and feels real most of the time. Yes, some of it can be cringe-worthy and it does exaggerate the moments when Applejack acts out of character, but the dialogue really shines when things start to get a bit tricky in the later chapters. The conversions are well put together and flow very nicely. The romance does just as nicely. The pace makes it more or less realistic and the dialogue only complements the very well built love story.

Now to the aforementioned issues at hand. The grammar issues might seriously bother some people like myself. I spotted a fair amount of errors throughout and I am happy that Forlance is well aware of the problem. He has post a request for pre-readers and editors and I cannot express how much it would help this story. It’s a shame to have something like this burden this story. The second issue is that scenes are not really visualized well. Dialogue heavy stories cannot forget the importance of scene visualization because of it great effect on mood. A scene by the fireplace is a lot more romantic than say... a garbage dump. Now image a fireplace with a beautiful brick hearth with gentle, slow flames surrounded with aromas of a delicious applepie in the oven. Sorry, I’m really hungry right now. Sets the scene a lot better, right?

Farming In the Icy Inferno is a great story with a few easily fixed problems. Applejack’s character is better expressed in the later chapters and grammar issues look to be fixed in the near future. I enjoyed reading Farming In the Icy Inferno and while there is a lack of scene visualization, the romance is well built with excellent pacing and good dialogue. Those of you looking for a medium length Applefire will enjoy this one a lot. This has been Admujica. I'll see you guys next time.

Farming In the Icy Inferno gets a score of: 8 out of 10

Worth reading, small issues but great dialogue and pacing that complement a good romance

Read it here.

FiM Fiction Review - March to the Scaffold

It’s judgement day for Chrysalis as the invader of the royal city of Canterlot is brought to stand trial for her crimes. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Chrysalis is about to pay her dues to Celestia for her failed invasion. Will the princesses have her executed? Will she be imprisoned for life? Will she be forced into slavery or something? Maybe she'll become Celestia’s pet changeling? Maybe I need to stop reading ship-fics, but that’s beside the point. Honestly, Foxy Kimichi’s March to the Scaffold really surprised me. Lets take a look at why. 

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March to the Scaffold by Foxy Kimichi

Complete (last updated Feb. 24, 2013)

Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot to stand trial for her failed invasion.  Thinking her fate is sealed, she is determined to be defiant to the very end. Loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz. Read it here.

Tags: Romance, Sad, Dark

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March to the Scaffold opens with Chrysalis, now in the hand’s of Equestria’s Royal Army, paying a visit to Canterlot. As we saw in the Season Two finale, her invasion failed miserably. Apparently Celestia was willing to send her soldiers to finish off the changeling army and hale Chrysalis’s sorry ass back for punishment. To be honest, I didn't have high hopes for this story. Chrysalis's fate something that would definitely be interesting to hear about. I always had a head canon for Chrysalis taking her own life after the fall of her kingdom. It was dark but at least it was a bit less predictable than the opening of this story. It is predictable, no question about it, but that’s where the less expected plot twists begin. March to the Scaffold does an excellent job with storytelling and almost never suffers from being cheesy or boring.

Of course, you can't tell a good story with bad characters. Chrysalis and Mortar each deliver fantastic performances with lines that don't make me cringe like I usually do with stories that have the “Romance” tag. What impressed me even more is that March to the Scaffold made me cheer on a complete jerk. Truth be told, Chrysalis was a very unlikeable character, but I'm sure I wasn't not the only one that ended up hoping that things will work out for her in the end. Mortar was just as great. He is a down to earth character that is very easy to connect to. Nothing really dramatic or out-of-the-ordinary in the characterization department, but that’s exactly what makes me feel so much for Chrysalis and Mortar.

I also have to address the source of inspiration and it’s influence on pacing. March to the Scaffold is loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz and other classical music pieces. Although music is a great and classy inspiration for literature, and vice versa, it can have some negative effects on the pacing. I know, I know. I pounded on Lethe about pacing too, but many can agree it’s one of or the most essential mechanics in a story. The pacing was perfect until the later chapters. They drag on, making the end feel like there should have been more. There’s a sweet spot with pacing. Too long and you'll bore people to death. Too short and the events lack weight. March to the Scaffold was close but no cigar.

Foxy Kimchi did a wonderful job and March to the Scaffold could have gotten a 9 out of 10 if it weren't for this little issue at the end. This one was a real joy to read and I look forward to what he does next. With a large audience and a big hitter under his belt, the possibilities are endless. Thanks Foxy and I hope to see you in the future. This has been Admujica, see you next time.

March to the Scaffold gets a rating of: 8.5 out of 10

EQD worthy, Absolutely worth reading

Read it here.